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sh!thawks...on parade: 07.2006

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i was hoping it would piss rain all day and we'd get to go home. no dice. and the craptacular thing is that half our crew was phoned and told not to come in cause it was shitty out this morning, so there was like 5 of us there wondering where the hell everyone else was.

thats ok though cause in our crappy-day-this-sucks-i-dont-want-to-be-here-right-now wanderings we found a big fucking patch of raspberries that no one had pilfered. and i mean huge patch. like, bring your pails and a lunch huge. so ima gonna head back over there later and snag me some containers full. might as well cause otherwise theyd just go to waste.

also, we found a small patch of what looks characteristically like weed plants, but they arent weed pants, but they look enough like weed plants that you could pick the leaves and have some fun with stupid people. seriously, these plants are weird. exact same leaf shape, height, stalk, but the seeds are a lot smaller and there's no five leaf pattern. really, it's a shame. it's in a mini forest area behind a high school, so someone probly thought they were planting weed and got it all wrong. im gonna also go clip a bunch of those off and bring them back and be like "hey dad look what i found! let's dry it and sell it!" and he'll be all "WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET THAT! GET IT OUT OF THE HOUSE! YOU SHOULD CALL THE GODDAMN RCMP!!!" and my mom would be all "let's smoke it." and then i'd look at my mom and give that "you have to be joking, youre my mom" look, but in my head id be all " know i never asked her if shed ever been a hippie..."

im pretty sure the rest of the week is going to be a total gong show at work. weve got major projects going on that were delayed by the rain that can get started up again cause it stopped raining, and we have to prep all the fields for a big soccer tourny this weekend and we've got people on vacation and it's just all going to be a 'shake your head and keep on truckin' kind of week i bet.

i also figured out how to do controlled tail slides with the progator. whats that? stop right beside that bench? parallel to it even? why i thought you'd never ask! i should be a fucking stunt driver or something.


so, three big containers of berries later, im itchy and scratched up from crawling around in the bushes.
mystery plant that isnt pot i still dont know what it is, BUT, visual test passes the "holy crap it's pot!" test. i know this because i brought a baggie of it home and showed my dad who used to work for aadac and helped junkies get off drugs. so i pull out the baggie and im like "i found these behind the school growing on stalks." and he looks at the bag for a sec, grabs it, looks more and says "i'll be damned....this looks like..." and im like "hahah yeah i know!" and he looks and im pretty sure he thought it was and my mom thought it was, and then he opened the bag and ruined it, cause it doesnt have an odor. so then he's like "no it's not pot." and im like "yeah i know." but im ok with the fact that it isnt cause a) i got a crap load of fresh raspberries, and b)it passes the visual fake test. he figures it might be stinging nettle, but i dont cause i was walking around it in and im pretty sure i dont feel stung by nettles.
and then i walked in the house with dirty shoes and he was all "THERE BETTER NOT BE ANY MUD ON THE RUG!" and im thinking....fuck....only a month, only a month only a month....

what did you want to be Raymond K. Hessle?


i think it's funny as hell when christians or catholics say that nothing other than beleiving in god will ever be as satisfying.

ok, well, one of their own god squadders just came up with what is possibly the best statement ever.

"Anything we idolize has a diminishing return."

that's awesome. why? well...let's see...could it be because the basis for a religion like christianity and catholicism is the idolization of their god? and dont even try to argue that it's not idolatry. as much as you want to argue that in the bible it says that idolatry is the worship of something other than god, no, sorry, in the real world where the definition of the word extends to even your beliefs, yes, yes you are idolizing something.


your diminishing return could be pretty much summed up as the continuing disappointment that the second coming will never ever happen. you know what it's like? its like people who think that a second coming is drawing nigh are like standing in the dessert and they thought they saw something in the distance and refuse to leave and stop watching until they see it again when it was just a mirage and wont ever happen again, and then the rest of us just walk by and are like, yo, theres a hotel up the road, let's go have a beer, and theyre like "no if i stand here and never pay attention to anything else and call everyone else naysayers then i'll see it again!" and then the rest of us are like " going to have a beer and have a good time. see ya."

i should bring this up at clubs days this year...go to all of the 8 to 13 different fucking christian student clubs....lets not forget its ONE GODDAMN GOD YOU BELEIVE IN SO WHY ARE THERE 13 FUCKING DIFFERENT CLUBS???...just go to each table and be like "so, this christian dude said that everything we idolize disappoints us in the end., why would you?"

uuuuuuuugh....can you tell im bored? blitzing the god squad when they arent even around. it's rainy and wet and it finally cooled down here but the difference between it being rainy and cold here and rainy and cold in vancouver is that here it pretty much sucks your soul out. maybe i should run away to the mountains til school starts and just hermit it up in the mountains...

anyone want to join me?

according to some people i look like randall. i thought that was pretty funny til i watched Clerks 1 before i went to see 2 and at the part near the end where dante just tackled randall and theyre on the floor arguing and theres one point where its a side shot of randall's head and i was like "HOLY FUCK IM ON THE SCREEN!"
so i guess if present trends continue, i'll look like jeff anderson does now in ten or so years.


you notice how robin williams is trying to get into more serious roles? oh well.
and did you see that picture of Mel gibson that makes him look like saddam hussein? if you need proof that he hates jews, look no further than that.

lookin up to the squirrel in the sky


today is Episode 4 of Stupid Things I Hear At Work!

"you do look like a huterrite!" "hey, where's youre babushka?"

"at least it's not like why doesnt a chicken taste like a chicken...or no...a chicken taste like wait...a chicken that's not a chicken!"

"why do jewish people frighten you?" "because they're good at saving money."

"you've got rage issues."

"small girls like tall guys and guys like little girls!"

"so he's a badass like you?" "yeah he's been to jail a few times."

"he came here illegally."

"i bet he's going to buy an M-16."

"are there tarantulas in el salvador?"

"i'd hate to be a short guy." "ya but you're a tall girl." "yeah." "so you're a freak."

"there might be mouse poop."

"brain food?" "yeah it'll work this time."

"i bought a bag of M&Ms and they were all missing their arms and legs so they were dead."

"you should bake me muffins." "why?" "because you're a girl." "WHAT?" "some guys like domesticated women you know."

"i think swallowing the toe would be good grounds for you having to donate your own toe."

"you cant listen to rock music to pump yourself up!"

"all your guy friends listen to The Bounce." "yeah so?" "all your guy friends are gay."

"im smelling my upper lip."

"you cant be religious and not practice!" "why not?" "well jewish people cant..."

"they were going to put up that statue for draft dogers but they didnt." "yeah they probly smoked up and said 'we'll do it later'."

"what else do you need?" "L-S-D."

"your job is to spread puddles around so they dry up faster."

"so this fuckin guy he goes and fuckin, you know, talks to the women and you know, fuckin, they like, hook up, have a few kids and fuckin one day just leave and fuck off with another woman." "jesus what an asshole!" "yeah, that happens a lot down there."

"what'd he do? crimes against painting?"

"what do you call it when you have flashbacks from acid you took twenty years ago?" "acid flashback." "yeah that." "he hasnt been alive long enough for that."

"whats wasabi?" "it's chinese horseradish."

"ok so if anybody asks there was a rabbit." "ok." "and you hit the brakes so you wouldnt hit it." "ok. and it squeaked." "what did?" "the rabbit."

"he likes CKUA now." "so? it's good!" "next thing you know he'll be shaving his head."


so i decided that i want to try stand up comedy. i think i could pull it off. basically i spent most of the day thinking about stand up comedy and playing craps. i did not think about stand up comedian playing craps.

i think it was good that my dad took me and i played for a bit and didnt really get into the flow right at first, cause when i was thinking about it this morning i was like 'oh ok, so this means this...and this would do this...and this play would make this bet..." so next time we go i'm gonna not totally hang back and not do much of anything.

and then it started to rain and my train of thought was pretty much destroyed by thoughts of "golf cart golf cart golf cart! spin spin spin!!!"

lazy purple hectic blobs of mounds of battered feather fur flickers and flounders in the mud with bubbles like burps.


oh yeah, on the topic of bubbles. i went to buy lunch today cause we're looking after our neighbours dog and this morning right before i left for work i came back down here for a sec and by the time i got back up there she'd eaten my lunch. so i went to buy lunch at Sobey's. and i get in line. and this old lady in front of me is buying a pack of Bubble-icious with a fucking debit card. annoying. yeah.

i crave perogies. and bubble gum. fuck.

i have a final exam worth 60% in a little over a week and i have done pretty much no reading for it. i want my friggin second essay back cause i think it was a good essay and i want my fucking grade before the exam so i know if i should start to shit bricks and panic. fuck that would hurt hey? unless they were those rounded types i guess...or what if you fell down and they broke and you shat out like lots of little sharp peices? makes you kind of wonder how Ben Grimm takes a crap...i mean, he's a big orange rock dude. technically he'd have a perpetual hard on too. so does he pee sand or something? i bet he wouldnt have any problems shitting bricks. and that blind chick he hooks up with? she'd have to be the biggest S&M blind person in the fucking world, cause she's pretty much fucking a boulder. that's probly not that much different than getting your ass fucked up by a cliff.

i found a penny. i should stop. ok. um. stoppeded.


getting paid to stand around is probly one of the best things ever.

my dad's gonna teach me how to play craps tonight. of the two times ive been to a casino and found out that about 2 minutes of betting at blackjack or on a slot machine will clean you out i figure maybe i should learn a game where i might actually get some payoff. my parents are frightened that my sister and i will get hooked on gambling when we go to vegas at christmas. i keep telling them that of the two times ive been to a casino...ok well...three maybe cause we went for like 5 minutes once in gatineau cause the CSA was given a 10$ voucher for each person in frosh. we had 120 people. we cashed them all to pay for a party. then someone broke in to the CSA office and stole all the fucking money. anyway, losing money doesnt really appeal to me.

ok, so here's a question to think about. you know how when people try new food and they usually say "it tastes like chicken"...well, what does that mean chicken tastes like? is it like the universal flavour? or is it just so generic that it really doesnt have a flavour so everything else can automatically taste like it?

they could just fart in a bag


so my mom switched our phones over to shaw digital and she was all excited about buying a phone with caller ID. so of course it's the cheapest piece of plastic, saddest looking caller ID phone ive ever seen. like half a step up from the very first caller ID phone. and she forgot to tell my dad that it means we have voicemail now and not an answering machine. thusly follows the discussion of...
"ya but on that other thing i only had to push one button!"
"yes but this is new!"
"ya but i could just go *push*"
"well now you only have to go *pushpushpushpushpush* and you get the same thing. it's new. it's technology!"
"i thought technology was supposed to make things easier."
me..."not when you're old."

i wanted to go for a nice bike ride but now it looks like it might storm and im really not a big fan of riding around in a storm with a metal frame in close proximity. maybe i will anyway. if i get hit by lightning at least id get the day off tomorrow.

just aboot a month left. then it's aboot four months. then it's aboot who knows how long.

know what im talking aboot?

you look like you did bad things to smurfette


so i have decided i have a new pet peeve that annoys the piss out of me. i shall explain thusly...

dear Annoying 14 Year Olds,

you live in sherwood park. sherwood park is in the prairies. sherwood park is flat. since you live in sherwood park theres a good chance you live in an upper middle class white neighbourhood and that mommy and daddy buy whatever you want for you and you happily mooch off them without thinking about how someday you have to make youre own money.

i know it's hard to find something to do around here when you dont have school to skip out on and do nothing, but when you have no school for the summer and your doing nothing consists of biking around a flat plaza with your two buddies on mountain bikes that range in price from 1800$ to 2400$ you're fucking tools. so i think it was only fair that when you said our golf cart was a nice ride that my asking you why youre riding a 2400$ black diamond mountain bike that's built to take thirty foot drops around a flat plaza with all your bike armour on you should have no reason to get mad or pissy or act like you're the fucking ruler of the world.

if you saw the bike in the bike store and thought it was shiny and pointed and daddy whipped out his credit card then i hope when you try a two foot jump you crash and you get impaled by a branch or something. seriously, i know you didnt work for your 2400$ black diamond mountain bike that's built to take thirty foot drops that you're riding around in circles on a flat plaza for three hours. so when i question you about where there are any black diamond bike runs around you could at least try to save face and tell me. oh that's cant. why? because the nearest one is at rabbit hill and i dont think mommy or daddy would drive you all the way out there, nor would they like little Billy Fuckyourself biking way out there on his own.

and you know what? ive biked to the highest point in this town. it aint that high. there are no places around here with thirty foot drops for your 2400$ mountain bike that you so obviously dont use for it's intended purpose. if you're going to bike around the plaza for three hours and get in our way while we're working, at least do it on a bike that doesnt make you look like a fucking daddy's boy. oh no! a curb! i need armour! oh no a crack in the pavement! i need 8 inches of dual suspension!

fuck yourself.

oh that's right, you probly sont know what that means either.

on a seperate note...

so i guess there's like this crazy stint of murders going on in edmonton lately. yesterday there was one thats so obviously asian gang that it just screams "ASIAN GANG DID IT!!!" but of course the police arent saying shit yet. how can i make this blatant assumption you ask? or dont ask but i'll tell you anyway?
because watching/reading/listening to the news gives away many clues:

- high end luxury Infiniti SUV FX 45 in lower end neighbourhood
- unmarked silver van slams into SUV
- drivers duke it out grill to grill style
- dudes in van bust out they pieces an' pop some caps in his mofo ass! or however you say that in asian gang language.
- dude in SUV gets shot 7 times, van disappears
- dude dies in hospital from 7 gunshot wounds
- Infiniti SUV is registered to a different asian dude.
-different asian dude's wife is interviewed and said her husband bought high priced Infiniti SUV for his 'friend' and never told her and when she found out 'she no like when find out first time.'

first time? what did you suffer sudden amnesia and find out twice?

oh, and guy who's died name is Dung Something Hi To Fat Yung.

shit when your name is Dung no wonder life is crappy...

verdict? anyone? Asian Gang? East Indian Gang? Hells Angels? Christians? Postal Workers? Angry Newfies? Guy who ordered out for chinese and they fucked up his order?

i was reading in the newspaper too about how the demographics of CD purchasers is now older women and not teens cause teens use real technology instead of not trying to learn new technology like their moms and buying cds. anyway, there was this one line that was like "women buy more cds because they shop at wal-mart." and at first i was like "that's fucking brilliant!" and now im like "dude that is the lamest reason in the world. people shop at wal-mart because it's a safe haven for fat fuckers, not cause they want the latest phil collins record."

shite annoying 14 year olds make me angry at the world. not my fault. they're annoying.

you said red three times


so three days of hiking up mountains makes you sore and tired. right now more tired than sore. work tomorrow is going to be tres sore. i think we hiked something like 30k in total. plus climbed like two mountains. and drove a lot on highways.

canmorians are loud at night. lots of canmorians are members of the God Squad. canmorians must live in some secret cave in the side of a mountain cause it's pretty much impossible to find a house there. canmorians must have brain implants that allow them to deal with constant waves of asian and american tourists. the All American Boys Choir bus got a lot of bad looks as it tried to make it around a corner and forced a big line of cars to reverse cause the driver of the full sized coach piece of shit was a dickhead. canmorians who work in the Sobey's and Safeway better not be the representative future of that community or it's doomed.

so second night there i took me mom to this east indian fusion type place called Zona's for dinner. fucking tasty yo. anyway, we walk in and right on the inside right of the door theres this big long table with like twelve hotties and one dude. and while im laughing to myself at the dude i watch the chick nearest the door look up, look me up and down, nudge her friend who proceeds to do the same, and so it went down the table, followed by the head angleed down hand up to try and cover the mouth and make some kind of comment that probly isnt "boy he's fugly!". or maybe not. i dunno, im a guy so really, who much can i know. whatever. it was funny. same thing happened on the highway driving home. car full of chicks. that was more funny. like you're going 130 down the highway, so what are you supposed to do? spin a doughnut? meh.

the hike we did on the second day was probly the best one. went up to this backcountry campsite which i totally want to backpack up to and camp there cause theres like 3 lakes in a 2 k radius which are fucking amazing. the one thats not next to the campsite thats about 1.1k up the side of a mountain thats a bit forest but mostly scree is awesome. i heart scree trails. something about climbing up a mountain side made of loose rubble appeals to me. there were a couple of trails i would have ratehr tried but i didnt want my mom to fall off the side of a mountain. so next time. anyway, this second lake...Lower's this big tarn thats completely surrounded by three different peaks and it's so deep that it makes it completely dark blue. if i had brought another pair of shorts with me in my pack i probly would have just just right in. but i didnt. next time. and there were like a dozen germans there on the shore and this one old german dude just jumped right in and swam around for a bit and climbed out and started to yodel and it was so cool cause it totally echoed in the little valley. on our way back down the trail i thought maybe i should have asked the guy to show me how to yodel like that.

oh and a squirrel followed us for a while.

so then on the way back i noticed something. there are never any women driving RVs. the RVs that arent trailers are pretty much always driven by old grey haired men. the RVs that are trailers are always pulled by pickups with guys who look like theyre in their mid 40s and have beaters on, wear beat up looking hats, and have mustaches. i dont know if having a mustache means that theyre more likely to have a trailer, but thats what it looks like.

also, you can totally tell who the american tourists are cause they're old and wear big dumb hats and have pants that just scream "IM FROM THE SOUTHERN STATES AND CAME HERE ON A BUS!!!"

who needs a speed limit


ponder this for three days until my return.

vay kay shun


props to shaz for the pink hatage of everett.

Episode 3 of "Stupid Things I Hear at Work!":

"he was probly drunk."

"your job requirement must be to tune out pat."

"did you just say he was a communist?"

"note to self...when pat's driving, wear a sports bra..."

"you cant do the splits in Lulu pants if you have no underwear on."

"tim brought freezies." "probly cause theyre not doughnuts and his wife didnt want them."

"i didnt know anyone could fit 'Fuck" into a sentence more than you." "hey fuck you."

"what are you laughing about?" "i dont know."

"its my 10$ bra."

"wasnt there a guy on Drew Carrey who had boobs?"

"whatever, you think McDonald's is evil."

"youve got other work for those 12 year olds dont you?" "yeah, they can stay the fuck away from my food."

"isnt that poo girl?"

"how come all the new people on your guys crew are all hot chicks?"

"pretty soon White Chicks will be your favourite movie."

"i dont give a fuck. i got my sweatpants on and im ready to cut the lawn."

"no one's listening to me are you."

"i want to see it geyser in his face."

"check out this bug! there were two that flew in and i was all AAAAAHHHHH!"

"guys should leak beer."

"i got canned on my bike." "no you didnt, youre a chick." "fine, i landed on my crotch on the bar on my bike."

"now all it is is a drunk fest and people trying to take off my bikini."

"dee quebecers har back wit der bananes hand der water."

"you on crack would be paranoid. actually, youd be the same but more paranoid."

"i dont need crack, just caffeine."

"she walked out with a cuccumber and came back with a pickle." "you make no sense."


so that asshole dog guy phoned the complaint line and our foreman asked about it and we told him we didnt do anything and it was fine so we roasted outside today doing pretty much fuck all.

im going to see Clerks 2 in two hours.

im going to Canmore for three days tomorrow so i dont know if they have internet in the hotel or what but im not sure i'll be around for a few days but whatever. more pictures for when i get back.

snoogans yo.

snootch to the motherfuckin nooch!


you know what? the general public can go give itself a fucking enema and eat the resulting shit that squirts out their own fucking ass.

if it isnt "the fields are too small" or "the grass is too long or short" it's "you pounded my fucking van and woke my dog up!"

yeah, k buddy, whatever. if you get that fucking worked up that your dogs wake up in a truck stop parking lot when a car drives by and you see us walk by and decide all of a sudden that we hit your van and fucking insulted you, you can eat a dick. when three of us apologize for we're not sure what and you still swear at us then you can eat a dick while you're getting ass fucked by the ugliest fucking tranny in the fucking world.

and idle fucking threats arent very fucking nice assfuck. "i'll see you guys at work tomorrow morning!" k fucktwat, there's three of us who didnt do fuck all to your van and we didnt wake your fucking dogs up in the busy parking lot so if you want to follow us to work and harass us and be a bigger dick and hopefully you'll be a big enough dick that we can call the cops and then youll have a bad fucking day, then be my guest.

fuck. seriously. if my job meant prepping fields that no one was ever allowed to use then it'd be the perfect job. no asshole people to deal with.

so a round of fuck you's to....




guys in vans with mullets and beaters

barking dogs


old ladies that have nothing better to do than bitch at us

the old guy with the retreiver who tells us to go back to picking garbage

the moms at the park who tell their kids to go to school or they'll end up like us

the teenagers who break our stuff

the high school gym teachers who think theyre the best thing ever

people in the parking lot for tournaments who swear at us cause theyre too retarded to go park in our other two lots

the random people who walk right through the compund yard because they think its a shortcut

paris hilton

the people who park in front of our gates with the big no parking signs on them

the people who drive their vehicles into the park

the schools that let their students have water fights on the track and destroy the park and not clean it up

the people who complain about the goose population control

the people who complain that they stepped in goose shit

the people who let their dogs chase the geese

the people who let their kids chase the geese

the people who chase the geese

the people who complain the mowers are too loud

the people who complain that grass clippings get into their yard when we weed whip the fences

the people who swear at us for not giving them free soil at construction sites

policies that give the worker pretty much nil support against complaints

did i mention assholes in beaters with mullets in vans with dogs?

the splot spickens


and now Ladies and Gents, it's time fooooooooooooor.....



"what kind of fucking hobbits do they have in the bible?"

"you should be careful or the Smurfette jokes will start."

"i dont want to be mean, but she smells like poo."

"that leaf blower might blow him away."

"i hate soccer people almost as much as baseball and football people. which leaves soccer."

"no man, doughtnuts cause a vicious cycle."

"you could get laid this weekend." "yes i could! no i wont."

"someone likes retro early 90s bright purple..."

"you guys are orange and purple, you dont needs safety vests."

"my wife is fat." "you shouldnt talk about your wife like that." "i know, but she's like 400 pounds."

"i hate cake doughnuts." "dude, if i brought them in you'd eat them." "you're made of cake doughnuts."

"you look like a Hutterite."

"she's spent all day with a shovel and doesnt have a headache."

"hey have you noticed how it gets warmer in the afternoon?"

"how come they always call me on the radio when i'm two feet away?"

"yeah, back in the day." "what, 1999?"

"oh my god it's so hot out im frying cause it's hot in the afternoon!"

"i've got a pocket o' clamps." "how many pockets do you have in your clamps?"

"they must be from quebec." "why's that?" "because all they do is drink water and eat bananas."

"he's french because he's waving his arms." "or you heard him talking."

"here's the bottle money, i think we got jacked a few bucks." "oh yeah?" "yeah i think they give the extra money to the taliban."

"slow down im gonna bark at him too." "k." "...choke..." "you know what that's called? karma." "no thats called blueberry in the throat."


gotta work late tomorrow. friggin Junior Nationals is destroying our brand new fields and i have to repaint every fucking line not even two full days into the tournament because there's so much traffic on the fields.
gonne be a crammed few days. work late, work early again friday, go see Clerks 2, leave saturday morning for Canmore for three days. but i do get a four day weekend over august long, but thats only cause i have my final for my sociology class on the tuesday otherwise id have a three day weekend. but since the exam is on the morning of the 8th, that means i can go to Sounds of the Underground in the afternoon. killah.

17 years olds these days are crazy. they EVEN like it ass to mouth! oh youre the cornerstone of the Clerks-iverse.

joel sigel walked out of a Clerks 2 screening 40 minutes in, yelling and swearing and nwo you can listen to him try to apologize to kevin smith on a radio show.

that was clever like a platypus


shoes were competing with the most stereotypical sounding canadian ever today, eh? like, ya know boy, if it's reeeally the real canadian superstore, eh, like, why isnt there like, y'know, a moose 'r something at the entrance eh? and why's that there canadian tire store always called crappy tire eh? like, if it were reeeeally a canadian store, youd think that theyd try not to be crappy 'r something. or how come them stores there aint made in the shapes of igloos eh? i doont think that any store should say its really canadian unless you need a parka to walk aboot inside eh?

last night i started and finished a micheal christon book. now i have no book. i didnt plan that one out too well. also yesterday i was all "gah summer is taking forver" and then today i was kind of "hmm...month and a half...meh."

clerks 2 starts on friday. im going to go see clerks 2 on friday. that means that this week im going to watch every kevin smith movie in preparation. SALSA SHARK!!! SAAAAAAAAAAALSAAAAAAAAAAAAA SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!!!!!

snoochie boochies motherfucker.

your shoes are more annoying than my canadian


so here's a thought...

you know how when people say that they had corn on the cob for dinner? and then how when some people talk about how when you have corn for dinner you end up with kernels of corn in your crap when you take a shit?

if you chew your corn on the cob...why are there whole kernels in your crap?

is anyone else from our graduating class back there?


today in the news....

EDMONTON - Edmonton police have issued a public warning about a repeat sex offender released from jail on Saturday.
Gerald Allan Naud, 37, finished serving an 18-month sentence at the Calgary Correctional Centre for various offences, including sexual assault, mischief, trespassing and failure to comply with a probation order.
In 2003, Naud kissed and groped a 19-year-old woman working at the Edmonton Westin Hotel.
Police described him as a violent sex offender with a long criminal history, who clearly poses a risk of significant harm to the community

today in my opinion...

who the fuck let him out? "im a judge with a brilliant plan! im going to let a dangerous and violent offender loose on the street and i know what he'll do!"

today in letters to the editor...

The Edmonton Journal

Published: Sunday, July 16, 2006
Putting surplus money away for future generations is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. My future is right now.I am 80 years old and my only source of income is the old age pension. I need all the help I can get right now, so if Albertans have no use for a rebate cheque, send it to me.I will make good use of it buying food, gasoline, heat, electricity and clothing.

Jeane McDonald, Stony Plain

today in my repsonse...

ok look. you're 80. youre practically fucking dead. it's not our fault that you wasted your entire fucking life doing nothing that earned you a pension so dont bitch at us about how the government supporting YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ARENT PRACTICALLY DEAD ALREADY is stupid. you know what? i made good use of my rebate cheque too. it helped pay FOR MY EDUCATION SO I CAN GET A JOB THAT WILL GIVE ME A PENSION AND NOT LET ME FUCK MY LIFE UP AND HAVE NO MONEY WHEN IM 80 DICKFUCK!

today in the headlines...

EDMONTON - A 19-year-old pregnant woman is miss-ing and presumed drowned after swimming in the North Saskatchewan River at a downtown park Saturday afternoon.
Police said the young woman, her husband and his brother were drinking on the riverbank at Louise McKinney Park across from Rafter's Landing when she decided to go for a swim about 5 p.m. Visscher said alcohol definitely was a factor in the woman's disappearance. "They came down here to drink and enjoy themselves. For some unknown reason she went into the river. When you mix alcohol into that, you are going to get trouble," he said.

today in my 'what the fuck is wrong with you people'....

hmmmm....pregnant mother of two....pregnant mother drinking....alcohol definitely a factor...swimming in the north saskatchewan...who the fuck actually wants to touch that water??? yeah sounds like real winners. "ok two kids of mine i already have and im only 19, im going to the river valley with the guy who is the father of your new brother or sister, and im going to give your new brother or sister FAS cause we're going to drink, and just in case, im going to wear loose clothing if i want to jump into the nasty ass river."

ok look. everyone assumes that human beings are for the most part compassionate creatures, especially when considering people who've suffered misfortunes. but when this shit comes up in the news all the time? fuck compassion. stupidity garners no compassion. the other day on the local ctv news they had a medical watch story about a 7 year old with cancer and how we should all feel sorry for him. ok, yes it sucks that a 7 year old has cancer.


civilian deaths

children killed by israelis

abused children in africa local seven year old who lives 15 minutes from one of north america's top children's hospitals...or hundreds of thousands of kids world wide who are getting shot at, raped, beaten, sick, and have little hope of getting help? yeah we're real fucknig compassionate here. cluck your tongue when you see the caner boy on the news and think "oh my thats teribble" then go back to eating your KFC, and then sending your dollar to a sponsor child so you can tell yourself you feel better about the world when you dont even know or realize that that dollar probly doesnt even make it to that kid.

lalalalalalalala popsicle lalalalalalalalala!!!!

so last night my friend amanda was like "so i need to aska question that might offend you..."


"are you gay...?"

"bahahahah! no. why?"

"cause when we went to that movie with jess and erin, after jess was like 'amanda i think he's gay cause he has a fashion sense and he's easy to get along with and he doesnt have a girlfriend!'"

"jess is wrong. maybe youre that gay one and you dont know it."

"maybe. i spend all my time with her..."

what do i know about shifting?


25 points to who ever says where the picture of the pickle was taken. hint: platform of some type.

i spend four hours painting today. then i spent four hours chipping paint off the machine. then i spent a few minutes wondering whether or not the solvent i used would melt through my skin.

in my random thinkings of painting days i usually at some point tackle some kind of communication type theory or ponder the shortcomings of a techno infused and obsessed world. and i started to wonder whether or not a blog can be anthropomorphized. if that were the case then my stattement in my New Info Tech and Society class final essay would be totally backwards cause i argued that blogs are a sort of two dimensional extension of a persona. but if it's something you can give human qualities without it being human then i was wrong. sort of. in a way. kind of maybe so what.

some 14 year old kid died because his dad was a fucking moron and because this province is decidedly hickish enough to let 12 to 14 year olds get jobs. there was actually a story on the news about this tonight. the other day i cant remember where i was...oh ya now i do...when i went to see Pirates 2...and while we were in line there were like four or five 12 yr old girls in fron of us trying to be the shit cause they work at mcdonalds one day on weekends. i know this because thats what they were talking about. and now im pretty sure that since 12 year olds can work in a fast food restaurant here im never eating at a fast food place again because i dont want some little fucking 12 year old shithead making, prepping, or going near my food because they have no friggin clue whats going on. it's bad enough that we have to deal with the acne prone 15 and 16 year olds who cant get a cheeseburger right. now we have to put up with fucking tweens getting all high and mighty cause they can mop a fucking floor.

let me tell you what little 12 year old mopper. im going to take your mop away from you. im going to take your cell phone away from you. im going to bash the fuck out of your fucking cell phone with your fucking mop cause youre 12 and dont need a fucking cell phone. then im gonna swat at you with your mop and tell you to get the fuck away from my trans fat ridden burgers and come back when youre old enough to fit into the voice-cracking-acne-host teenager that we all know how to deal with.

seriously, i dont really fucking care if this makes people angry, but i really really really want to go into a McDicks one day and have a 12 year old take my order and fuck it right up and then fucking yell at them and make them cry because theyre borderline 11 and still cry when they get yelled at and then complain to the manager that he/she is using child labour and that his/her fast food restaurant is comparable to a sweat shop and that who in their right fucking mind would hire a 12 year old to handle food that the general public eats? and when the manager says well too bad, i'll say you know what, i was 12 to 14 once and when i was 12 to 14 and all ym friends were 12 to 14 we were all little shitheads because all people who were once 12 to 14 were all little shitheads and you know it and little shitheads only cause trouble and now youve got a fucking restaurant full of little shitheads who are just waiting to cause some fucking problems.






now im going to go to 7-11 cause its night time and i know for a fact that no one would be stupid enough to hire a 12 year old for the night shift at 7-11.

squeaky McSqueaky dog


things i hear at work:


"is wayne brady gonna have to choke a bitch?"

"helloooo wookie!"

"that's a big small horse."

"holy shit. fuckers, eh?"

"time to take my clothes off!"

"fuck right. hard."

"what was the original name of The Who?" "The What."

"half nelson, full nelson, father nelson."

"sushi is brain food." "then why isnt it working?"

"it's the Get Some park."

"does cocaine enhance baseball playing?"

"that was either too stupid or too smart for me."

"you look like a french canadian." "why?" "cause you're hairy like a french canadian." "im ukrainian." "you look like a ukrainian." "how?" "youre hairy like a ukrainian."

"Ivana Humpatrump."

"that's cause you guys arent getting any. ok, im lying, im not getting any."

"he reminds me of a fish."

"can i get a radio check?" "no."

"i couldnt get the golf cart to idle."

"it's not a shovel, it's an El Salvadorian Banjo."

"bork bork bork."

"that's cause you're a communist."

"this plan is flawless. it's foolproof." "you said it was flawless not foolproof."

"isnt that the bottle Speedy chugs out of?"

"she came back to kill the garbage can! HOO HAH!!"

"have you seen my baseball?"

"we dont listen to portugese."

"is that like your butt plug?"

"it's fitted for your sphincter."

"im not looking forward to that vasectomy..."

"stop jerking off the shovel!"

"im caught on a rake! i mean fence!"

"nick, what colour are pantyhose?" "nude." "do you know that because you wear them?"

"you guys are burt and ernie." "fuck that im not burt! im not gay!"

ten points to whoever says where this hose is


so that's the worst of the damage i suffered at the paintballing. the was from about 20 feet. couple of the other guys got some nice big fucking welts growing. i want to buy a paintball gun. im gonna be so fucknig sore tomorrow. but thats ok cause it was totally worth it. best 30$ ive spent in a long time. im glad i didnt get hit in the neck where i have that sunburn cause that would have fucking sucked. it hurts more than where i got hit.

next weekend my mom and i are going to kananaskis for a few days. should be fun times.

i get to paint more fields tomorrow.

so i pretty much botched the whole 'put sunscreen on to prevent a nasty burn' thing and now my neck is hurting.

i cleaned my room last night. i can see the floor for once. it's amazing.

i are going to the paintballing tonight. i are have never paintball beened to before.

i need to get my hands on a USB recording interface for my guitar cause i have all these cool riffs ive come up with that i cant record how i normally do cause when i hit the distortion the signal gets uber fucked and sounds like ass. which is annoying me because these are good tunes and they need not be sullied by shitty recording.

i think my bank and my student account are having issues cause one is saying something and the other something totally different and neither knows what the fuck the other one is saying so who knows what the hell is going on for real.

ther'd be no truck drah-vers if it wuzn't fer us trucks


k, so i finished my essay that's fucking amazing, and i registered for fall classes which is also fucking amazing cause i only have three classes and two days of class.

on to bigger and better things...


1) Why do hockey players have mullets?

because way back in the day when there was no NASCAR and rednecks hadnt yet discovered this marvel of hair style, hockey players played outside a lot more than they do now and in order to keep their necks warm from the cold air they figured out that letting their hair grow long in the back made up for them not having any fur. However, not wanting to turn into one of those sheep dogs that cant see because it's hair hangs down in front of its eyes, the hair was cut short in front and the sides to allow for the largest possible field of vision while still maintaining the critical blanket of warmth needed for their necks.

2) What is the first thing you do when you wake up? (don't be shy with this answer)

try and figure out what song just woke me up. turn off alarm clock, turn on tv, turn on weather network to see what kind of bullshit theyre spewing today, turn off tv, get up, brush teeth, put on work clothes, make lunch, eat breakfast, leave for work.

3) What would be worse; having an alligator eat you or a shark? (which would you choose if you HAD to pick one and why?)

worse...alligator because they dont have as big of mouths so youd probly end up getting chewed up more than if a big ass shark ate you. if i had to pick, id say shark cause who wouldnt want to get eaten by JAWS? i dont have to tell you that there is no JAWS for alligators, so that has to mean that alligators are nowhere near as cool as sharks. plus, if you get eaten by a shark theres always the chance that you could wind up on some show in Discovery Channel about sharks eating people.

4) Why are guys grossed out by women talking about periods, tampons, maxipads, PMS, etc? (does it bother you too?)

because leaking and bleeding genetially really fucking suck. it doesnt really bother me cause i have more friends who are girls than guys and ive lived with chicks a lot in the last four years and you kind of cant avoid hearing about it.

5) Have you ever had/ let a girl put make-up on you for fun?

ok, yes. but. good reason. first year at SFU, i was the very last Madge Boy. Madge Boy is the token guy who's friends with all the girls in the girls dorm which was called Madge Hogarth but now it's closed. anyway. i was going to Celebrities one time with some friends and lyndzi and sasha thought it would be a good idea to put like eyeshadow and stuff on me cause id look more emo... i dont know why emo would be good for a gay bar...emo people are just a whole different kind of gay. anyway, that's about all it amounted to. and then lyndz was uber disappointed when i said no guys hit on me.

The fine print: 1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying interview me. 2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each persons will be different. 3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. 5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

i've got a rabbit, he likes to hop


so ive figured out that a pet peeve of mine is when people say 'bless you' when i sneeze. like seriously, if i wanted to be blesses id turn religious. but im not going to and i id rather not be, so when i sneeze just dont say anything. or laugh.

did a little target practicing today.

still have two pages left on my essay, i'll finish it tonight.

it's also supposed to storm here all night. its all rainy and cloudy and thundery outside right now so maybe the weather people are right for once, which is fucking amazing because theyre never right.

i bought Transporter 2 yesterday. awesome movie.

um...i have a headache, so im going to go take some advil and then lay on the couch.

the pickles cries go unheeded


time for the celebratory SPAGHETTI FIGHT!!!

bahahahahaha France!


bati la goddamn manini


i bought the Raconteurs cd today.

holy fuck, seriously, go out and buy that cd right fucking now!!! if you think Steady as She Goes is a good song you'll love this album. im practically addicted to Broken Boy Soldier and Together.

so i got my ass in gear and started this second essay. "Do you think that a conceptual distinction between 'sex tourism' and 'romance tourism' is justified?" yes. yes i do.
this is going to be a killer essay. i got that killer essay vibe flow feeling mojo going. it's just rolling out of my head oh so nicely! how can you argue about a topic like this when you find supporting articles with the title "How my Dick Spent its Summer Vacation". you cant. from start of research to halfway done it took me like 4 hours, so i think i might shelve it for the night and finish it tomorrow. as long as it's postmarked by friday im good. if i really wanted to i could finish it by midnight, but i dont want to.

my sister is leaving for montreal for six weeks tomorrow morning. gotta leave for the airport at like 6:30 in the am. fucking early flights... the only time i like early flights is if it happens in october and it gets me home early enough to get my shit in my room, get on my cammo and hit the road for some waterfowlage. my uncle and cousin are looking to come out for thanksgiving this year so that there'll be the four Zboys all together for the first time. my parents and sister are stoked about going to vegas for christmas. im stoked for thanksgiving. less so for vegas cause i'll be surrounded by everything i've come to learn to despise through my classes.

italy is going to wipe the floor with france tomorrow.

tomorrow we also get the big black lab who decided to bark me away from the front door for a week while his owners are away. real fun. maybe i'll teach him a new trick and it'll be "jake, sleep all day."

to the point of stable glue

good movie, but there's a point where you suddenly realize "hey...this has been going on a long long is this damn thing?" and 2.5 hours later...

apparently there are still people who dont know that Pirates 3 was already filmed because after the movie ended there were cries of "that was a stupid ending! now there has to be a sequel!"

well...yeah, duh. have you been living under a rock lately? or instead of a rock was it the bags of candy and cans of pop that you need to find happiness in your life cause your self value needs sugar to maintain itself and its massive weight?

there's a downside to my degree, that being that every time i go to a movie i get incredibly cynical about everyone at the theatre. if it's not the 14 year old beauty queens who think they're the center of the universe and make no quarrels about making sure that everyone notices them among the throng of other 14 year old centers of the's the fat kids who DRESS like the 14 year old centers of the universe. you know you can find clothes that fit you properly and that wont make people vomit when they look at you at walmart. most of those items also have a built in gunt compensation pouch.

seriously, every time i go to the theatre i wish i had free reign with a baseball bat to just hit people over the head and say "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU LITTLE SHITHEAD???"

at least this time i mananged to quell the inner theorizing about visual experience and psychoanalysis.


time to sleep.


rhyming is fun.

going to see Pirates 2 tonight.

lazy day at work.

got a gst rebate.

i'm the first to admit that im not the biggest dog person in the world. it's not that i dont like dogs, it's just that they make me uncomfortable. so. when i get home from work and the first thing that happens when i reach for the door is a big fucking black lab barking it's fucking head off and running up to the door i start walking back to the truck. i got halfway and then i just kind of stared through the front windows watching everyone inside laugh.

also, i know im the only communication student in this household, and because of this ive taken classes in non verbal communication, but seriously, when you walk into my room and try to engage me in conversation and i answer and then pay attention to something else, dont sit there and stare at me. this is a simple cue that the conversation is over and that you should leave because im not going to say anything else. ok? got it? good. you've only done that how many times in the last how many years and you still havent figured it out? fucks sake people. i dont care what kind of towel you should pack for your trip. a towel is a towel is a towel.

i came up with some cool riffs last night. back to my more Opeth-esque sounding stuff. it's hard to record that stuff with the setup i use cause my comp inputs dont so much like it when i hit my distortion pedal. fucking signal sounds like ass on playback.


i've got two twoonies. you ever really stop to think how weird a toonie is?

you know what else is funny? when you say a word and then you say it again and all of a sudden it totally doesnt sound real and you satrt repeating it over and over again trying to convince yourself that it sounds normal and that it is indeed a real word.

yo ho ho you got fucked up the bum!


when i was in grade 12 and we had our cap and gown ceremony i was the last name. consequently, when there's teh token throwing up in the air of your cap, i had just stepped off the stage and whoever was MCing didnt even wait til i was back at my seat to say congrats and the air was fucking full of them. i had a moment of utter rage cause like, throwing the hat is like saying "im finally done!" and these assfucks couldnt even have the decency to wait ten seconds for me to walk fifteen feet back to my seat. i was the only person in my graduating class who never threw a cap in the air. but then i figured i wouldnt have to spend ten minutes looking for it so it was ok.

gotta say, that angels and airwaves song is growing on me.

my mom invited an old friend of mine who i havent seen for like ten years over for dinner. his fiancé reminds me of someone so much and i cant figure out who and it's bugging me a fuck of a lot cause i should know but i don't. his fiancé is in nursing so her and my sister were talking a lot. my mom and dad were talking a lot.

i didnt talk a lot. i mean, i could have, but i just didnt. i did participate in the conversation, but out of everyone it's a safe bet that pretty much no one left tonight knowing anything that ive been up to for the last few years.

it also struck me how many people i know my age who are getting married. i know a lot of people my age who are getting married. and all i can think is "holy fuck people, we're like 22! this isnt the fucking depression here!" is there like some weird spatial time flux thing where the more time you spend on a university campus the less aware you are that people are getting hitched? or maybe im just fixated enough on school and wondering about careers that my brain just shut that part of my brain off.

i get these weird little moments where for just a split second it feels like i was unconscious but im pretty sure i wasnt but it's this weird feeling of like almost jumping a bit. it's like when youre really tired and youre just about alseep and then something wakes you up and you get that weird "im super awake for a second" feeling, only it's infinitely shorter feeling. dazed and confused for microseconds. it's weird. ive also been having some really vivid and weird dreams lately. like this morning i woke up and i was pretty sure that i was angry and vengeful cause a dude from high school had stabbed one of my friends in the neck and i saw and in the dream i walked back into my house and grabbed the phone and called the guys house and his aunt answered and i yelled and screamed at her for being such a fuckup and letting him stab my friend and then the phone turned into the radio and then i went back outside and my friend had a bandage on and could poke his finger inside his neck and then i woke up.

it's been like a week of weird screwy dreams like this. i dunno. i was getting shitty sleep before that and dont remember any dreams from then. and then sometimes i have dreams that are so completely real feeling that i can hear and smell and tastes and feel them and then i wake up and i cant remember if they were dreams or if they were real. and that feeling can last all day which can really fuck with a person.

i know i had something clever to say today but i forget what.

fucking gas here is at 109.4. so like 25$ gets me a quarter tank. but i went to the place by our house and the price at the pump was 103.4 so 40$ got my 3/4 of a tank. or something like that. whatever, there's 3/4 a tank in it now.

it sounds like Tom DeLong


i like mail. especially when the mail is in the form of tool tickets.

i have an essay due next friday. i have a final exam on august 8th. i have to register for classes on the 11th. i have several chapters to read. i have many days of work left. i have to clean my room. i have to do laundry. i have to put gas in the truck. i have to go through my shit and decide what im taknig back to vancouver. i have to look through my shit and decide what i'm donating. i have to take my sister to the airport on sunday morning. i have to say bye to julia soon. i have to get MA applications from five places. i have to take care of a dog for a week. i have to mow the lawn. i have to go to a provincial cartography place and get county maps. i have to finish the summer. i have to finish four months of undergrad. i have to send out MA applications. i have to make friends with my profs. i have to find a real job. i have to find an apartment. i have to mail postcards. i have to mail letters. i have to find boxes. i have to close them up and hide them away with all the things i dont want to see right now. i have to go on, go forward, move ahead. i have to go. go. go.

a world of 'have to's' is synonomous with a world of 'have i's?' have i forgotten anything? have i made sure of everything? have i done everything? have i charged my batteries and cleaned my lenses? have i prepared enough? have i realized enough? have i made them proud? have i proved myself?

in a world of 'have to's' and 'have i's?' dont forget to ask yourself...

have you...

had any fun?


have you...

told yourself to keep going?


have you...

wondered about the future but never worried?



it's trez chod isn't it


only TweedleDumbfucks drive Hummers.
seriously, you have the biggest goddamn piece of shit metal on the road, there's global concern about oil reserves and you buy this TO GO TO THE FUCKING GROCERY STORE TO BUY A CARTON OF FUCKING MILK AND PARK AS CLOSE TO THE GODDAMN FRONT OF THE PARKING LOT AS YOU FUCKING CAN!!!

do you know what the gas mileage is on a hummer? here's a hint...take a 2004 model H2. it has a 32 gallon tank. with a 32 gallon tank driving to the grocery store because your other SUV isnt QUITE as safe as you want it to be, you get 9.6 mpg. a 2006 H3 has an EPA Air Pollution rating of 2 out of 10.

so, if this is public knowledge, WHY when i drive by the gmc dealerships are they PROMOTING these hulks of CRAP???

i have a reading about SUVs and Hummers somewhere from my Promo Culture class...but i think it's in vancouver...anyway...

it's hot out.

heat i think causes the spontaneous regeneration of TweedleDumbfuck.

he's a short little fat man with leiderhosen and a green shirt and likes chocolate ice cream and has red hair and is fugly.

chewbacca will crush him when the temperature falls.

a secondary effect of the heat outside is that it makes me tired and laugh hysterically at practically nothing. so a good part of my day was spent doubled over clutching my stomach making wheezey laughing noises trying to stop from falling over.

i also got my first essay for the tourism and social policy class im taking distnace ed back. gots a B+. not gonna argue with that. next essay is due next friday. gotta get crackin this week.

today a hat took a bath in green jello and sang to the yellow highlighter about stars and seacows who makes sounds like cats meowing on the rocky beaches of nowhere in particular.

it's just me, Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber


getting paid tons of overtime on canada day to drive around in a truck is ok by me.
i got home from work at 2am.
woke up at about 11. had breakfast and such. went over to iris's, we went to the ledge, walked alllllllllll the way up to downtown, and had suuuuuushi.

i really like vegetables that are bbq'd. my mom does that a lot with peppers and onions. fucking taaaaaaaaaaaasty!

i saw an ad for glade ultra today.
it was a woman saying how wonderful it was to have a compact smell in a spray can.
it's so compact you can even hide it in your purse for when you need it!
ok, look.
when you take a shit at a restaurant, im pretty sure that if you leave one that smells THAT bad, and you so obviously cover it up then people will know that your ass stinks like high fucking heaven anyway. seriously, if you cover up one overpowering scent with another, dont you think that sort of gives away the fact? i mean, id think if a chick walked in after another chick sprayed that she'd be thinking "oh my, that other woman needs to cover up her smell cause she stinks THAT BAD!"

hahahahah ooooooooooh needless cosmetics. such a boon to the economy.

im halfway through season 1 of the x-files. downloading season 2 right now. what an exciting life i lead hey?

also...if anyone else wants to leave cookie recipes...then take your cue from rica and gimme gimme gimme!

who's picking up the fooseball tables?