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sh!thawks...on parade: 05.2007

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someone at work has a big fucking vase of flowers at their desk. normally i don't think i'd mind cause lots of people have plants at their desks. big difference here is that these flowers are all blooming and bascially the entire fourth floor no joke reeks of them and they make my head want to go POP!!! HAHAHA ALLERGIES ASSHOLE!!! and im all fucking-SNEEZE!-hell-SNEEZE-i-SNEEZE-hate them....sniff....SNEEZE!!!...fuck...
so today at lunch i went to buy some reactine. the last time i had it it came in tiny pills form. this time not so tiny pill form.
i have enough trouble swallowing advil as it is, so why in the hell did conviniently priced allergy pills all of a sudden like double in size? and then i forgot that reactine makes me twitchy. so i traded mucus and congestion for cottonmouth and hyper. meh. seems fair.
apparently there isnt enough tits and ass on here. well, considering i have neither im not surprised. hah, oh im punny. like a lobster.

or monkfish.

you think that monkfish are like the evangelicals of the aquatic environment? they can be like Jesus of the fish world cause they give themselves up to make fake crab meat so that real crab may live without fear of ending up in a california roll. til Mike Rowe narates his way over and you watch all the crab guys haul them out of the sea.

what if a knight fish used a swordfish?

whats this big flashing warning?


this has been stuck in my head since they opened with it at the concert.

so here's a brain scratcher for ya in the politka-semantika kind of way, if that's the kind of brain teaser you know...i sort of yeah ok here it is.

say you're the defense minister of a country. say that country is canada. say you're Gordon O'Connor. say recently you've come under fire about the DND's lackluster providing of compensation for families of soldiers killed in action. say you get a barrage of angry questions during question period today about whether or not all families will be compensated when it's been made public knowledge that this is indeed not the case. now say you get all these questions.
now your response, oft repeated over the course of twenty or so minutes, is along the lines of:

"When I took this cabinet post I directed my department to provide full compensation to familes I did not say they will be getting full compensation, I directed my department that they should get full compensation. If by some anomaly they did not receive it it's not my fault because when I took this position I directed my department to provide full compensation to families but I did not say they would."

At this point I'm all for starting up a "Fix Ourt Senile Defense Minister" petition because I'm not really sure what the point of that was. I'm all too aware of the fact that you always get cryptic answers during QP but this is like...I want to come up with something clever to do with cryptic but it's so goddamn stupid that I cant.

It's a disgrace to this country when our government has to scramble to make a big media show out Cpl. Dinning's death. You'd think when the Minister of National Defense says "im getting the job done" it didn't mean ""We have not been fully reimbursed for Matthew's funeral despite that Mr. O'Connor stood up in House of Commons and told the Canadian people the exact opposite." (ganked from cbc)

I guess though his actions pretty much run along the lines of the Tories thinking. As long as you say you're getting the job done and constantly point your finger at the Liberals then you're fine. case in point Kyoto. John Baird continually says that Canada's new green policies are better then Kyoto and more realistic and blames the Liberals for signing a treaty that would cause a recession. Ok....but, hey John, isnt Canada now being sued for breaching the treaty? or the fact that the UN is claiming that Canada is abandonning it's position as a leader of combating climate change? oh no, it's all good, because you know Paul Martin didnt do anything about it so blame him and we'll just go on not giving a fuck.

gimme a break.

oh and then there's this tactic...Opposition party member asks scathing question to which Canadians would like a real answer...Tory minister "HEY LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW THE LIBERALS DONT WANT 8 YEAR SENATE TERMS!!" cause we were so just talknig about that...

today there was a big debate on amendments to the Elections Act to combat voter apathy. in this case i hope it passes just so these assholes get their asses booted out of office.

what about the baked potato?


awesome fucking show. shitty fucking pit. which was too bad because it could have been pretty epic had the same three or four guys not decided to be dicks and keep throwing shit.
ok recap in not so many words because then i can sleep...

Stolen Babies, half hour opening set. sweet titty fucking Christ. it was like evil Cabaret on crack meets Lamb of God. and it was only made better because the basist used an unpright bass. and. the singer chick played the accordian. and. it didnt suck. plsu they have some of the coolest tshirts ever, like throwback to Nightmare before Christmas only more twisted. so i bought one. i think this is pretty much the first concert ive been to where i didnt buy anything from the headliner.

The Gathering, fourty five minute opening set. they have a very A Perfect Circle vibe meets Rammstein, and it works. it's very intensely symphonic. and their songs pretty much blended together, but not in that annoying way where it seems there's no break in it. so i bought their cd.

Lacuna Coil, counting the encore one and a quarter hour set. a bit shorter than i would have liked but they managed to put in all the crowd pleasers. and the CCC isn't exactly a big venue but they just have this huuuuuuuuge stage presence. could have been after/during/before each song Cristina Scabbia told the crowd to put up their fucking hands. im pretty sure no one had any problem with that. i mean would you? hot as shit lead singer of euro metal band? no i didnt think so. i watched the pit the whole time waiting to see if it would get any better. not really. i went in for Heaven's a Lie cause i couldnt not.

other thoughts....apparently fat people can fit into small concert tshirts. flesh coloured spandex that a)gets sucked up the ass crack and b)does nothing to hide ANYTHING is WRONG. apparently all the little goth girls needed parental chaperones so there was a line of mom jeans along the back watching with that "oh my god what is this garbage" look on their faces. except for during the Gathering when at least two of them were singing along and i was all BUH???

and. im pretty sure that a good many D&D plots were tossed around because yeah, let's face it, you now at least half of the people there have those books at home.

ok,now sleep time. and possibly recovering of the hearing.

why are there mom jeans?

ok concert time. i will mosh the night away. bye.

throwback to the days of brandon's basement


it's official, i have lost the ability to sleep in past 7am.


so my internal clock is pretty much shot to hell. when i tell it "tomorrow is saturday so turn yourself off now please" it just ignores me and wakes me up at 6:43 in the am at which point i tried to convince myself that i wasn't really awake and did that for another two hours. so i got up because why not, im not asleep anyway.
i have the window open and someone outside is moving their lawn. that early morning smell of fresh cut grass is slowly wafting it's way in and i'm not making any effort to close the window because if there's one smell that really should be floating around on a saturday morning it's the smell fo freshly cut grass.
i'm pretty sure that everyone has some kind of memory about that smell. Most of mine have to do with riding around on mowers cutting great big swatchs of grass waiting for the sun to come up and then when it does you stop for a second and just soak up the first rays and breath it in.
if i'd have known a month earlier that i was getting in to grad school that's probably what i'd be doing right now. back working for the county, working outside all day and fucking around with big machines. but i didnt and im not and now im almost lamenting the fact.
but i guess onward and upward right?
yesterday at the staff bbq one of the interns asked me what living on your own is like. my sagest advice for him was along the lines of "just because you CAN do laundry at 4am doesn't mean you SHOULD do laundry at 4am." i dont think it really hit home yet though because he's never lived on his own.
we were shooting some hoops and i was sucking as usual and he was asking me about work and telling em about their training and i mentioned i was going back to school and he was like "i cant wait to start work" and i was like "i cant wait to go back to school" and he's like "oh yeah" and my response word for word was "yeah i fuckin hate the real world" i dont think i hate the real world i just dont think it's as fun as it should be most of the time. plus i like school and id rather be sitting at a computer for eight hours a day writing research papers than typing names into a computer.
everytime i see a duck fly by i let myself think, just for a second, that im shouldering my remington because it's one of those moments where you wish you could let time stand still for a while.

you've crossed the finish line


i must remember that since I work in an office environ that for some reason people in the lunch room are all shocked when you swear. as in "are you coming in to work this weekend" "fuck no." *insert three shocked faces*
i hit my elbow on something and now it's like perma-funny bone.
i think i'll go get a hair cut tomorrow.
i need to stop writing everything down at work cause it leaves me with nothing to say when i get home.

flying eyeballs crossing


so im going to the Lacuna Coil concert on monday with one of the guys from work. should be good times. i hope he likes moshing cause he's gonna get dragged in there. which reminds gonna be dead ass tired on tuesday then cause danielle's grad dinner is sunday night. so sitting on patio drinking followed by four hours of heavy metal.
there's a bbq at work after work tomorrow. i want to know if there will be beer. probably not.
i bought more socks. socks are expensive.
im on the lookout for a Pinky and the Brain figurines. if you see any, let me know.
damn it....i forgot to go buy the last Hitchhikers book....
i had hasbrowns for dinner. in the words of Vince they were "so dam gud!"

no you doubled up on the chorus


so i didnt win the lottery. i did get two numbers though. that gets me...not even a free ticket i dont think. foiled again by sheer magnitude.
so you know how people tell you if you dont like your job you should grin and bear it? does that mean if you're a stripper you grin and bare it? i guess that would kind of go without saying wouldnt it.

the Gooch's are multiplying


ganked this from B so here' the rules type thing:
leave me a comment requesting an interview.
i will email you five questions (when i have the time).
i get to pick the questions so beware!
you will update your blog with the answers to the questions. and you will include this explanation (or a reasonable variation) and an offer to interview someone else in the post. when others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

and my questions aaaaaaaaaaaaare..................*drum type roll*

Q: You once mailed me a CD of your music, and now you have this fun
little project called Tossed Salad, do you do music as a hobby mainly
and when did you first get into making music?

A: I'm not so sure if it's a hobby or something productive that I like to do cause I feel like doing it. ummmmm...k, well, i started with piano when I was 6 so that's about when it started and then i started guitar when i was 12 and then in high school my friends and i started a band and we were supposed to record a demo but i moved to ottawa. so probably around grade 10 is when i started to really write stuff of my own. i still write my own stuff, but i can't record it anymore for some reason because my computer all of a sudden decided to not talk to my amp, but that's ok cause that'll get fixed in august with the new laptop.

Q: Your blog is often stacked full of photos of you and your (fellow
blogger) friends antics. Does anyone ever accuse you of being too open
about your life and what you do, and if so, do you even really care
what they have to say?

yes sometimes, and then i accuse them of being ignorant to dynamic social trends dependant on coadaptation with technology. or sometimes I shrug and say "whatever, i dont care." plus im more open about some things than others, ie some parts of my personal life have never seen the light of day on here and i eont put up pictures of my family because they dont want theyre faces all over the internet. and there's the odd time where someone says that and it actually turns into a speudo intelligetn conversation. and really, it's pictures and random shit most of the time so i dont care all the time. i think to a certain extent there are times that you will care but most of the time no. i figure if youre going to make things public theres no point in worrying about it because it's out there for everyone to see anyway. and really in the grand scheme of things, im pretyt much some random guy so a)why shoudl anyone really give a shit what i think and b)why should i give a shit about people giving a a Jason Mewes there...

Q: You were in Alberta last year, is there anything about it you miss
when you compare your time there to being back in BC?

A: yes. no joke. my truck and my shotgun. and a few friends who i have yet to convince to move out here.

Q: When it comes to movies, what are your favourite movies? Do you
prefer sci-fi or comedy or watching porn with Ciavarro? ;)

A: i think you'd classify that last one as horror? I like a mix. I have too many favourites but top three are Army of Darkness, Monty Python and the Holy Grail and Lilo & Stitch. full metal jacket would be in there but that'd be a top four and that's not a prime number.

Q: If you won a million dollars what is the first thing you would buy
with your winnings?

A: probably lunch at a sushi place. followed closely by an Audi A4 RS4. or the R8. it'd depend on if the R8 was in the showroom. which i dont think it would be cause im not sure it's out in north america yet...either Audi.

hallucinogenic sephalopods

bowling mean there's a lot of ass shots. thats ok everyone likes ass shots. maybe not shots in the ass, but ass shots are a definite yes.
Walter was bowling on hallucinogens, which i always thought was The Dude's thing to do.
sonia has magical powers of bowling that let her kick all our asses.
sheena is a ghost face killah.
dario patented the hammerthrow bowling technique.
everyone wanted a bowling ball with a skull in it.
marlee perfected the shot put technique.
the Dude did prevail when bowling left handed.
and most importantly, NOBODY FUCKED WITH THE JESUS.

I'm staying. I'm finishing my coffee.


I remember thinking that this was the first time in a long time that I’d actually turned my phone off. It beeped at me with a sort of sick finality. You turn it off and you severe a limb, no connection.

Somehow the world will still go around, I told myself. Somehow I can make it without knowing that there could be someone trying to reach me right at this very moment. And then the moment of technological disconexia floods through my head. It’s as though suddenly I’ve been turned mute, even if I wanted to yell the world couldn’t hear me.

So that’s it. There is no phone. There is no television. Just the yellow glow of the lamp on the desk, muted by the ugly pink shade. I swear the person who invented pink lampshades had a love affair with salmon.

I settle back in my chair, the worn leather upholstery creaking and moaning. Something is missing but I can’t quite tell. It’s just that you sit here without any sort of contact to other people and you feel like the world has come to a complete standstill. Where once your head would have been full of songs and voices and jingles the moment you disconnect yourself from the world it all stops. No noises. No voices. No sense of the world that you think should be beyond the door. If you get up from your seat to open the door or window you’d suddenly realize that you’re in a box of a room with no doors or windows to speak of at all.

Locked away from the world.

Locked away from existence.

All because you turned off your phone.

And then the heaviness of realizing that you have to come face to face with your own conscious beings to filter through neurons and thoughts. And you sit there and you realize that you have no idea what to make of yourself.

But there isn’t anything else to do you know. All you can do is sit there and stare at the ugly pink lampshade and wonder why it’s that particular colour. Maybe salmon pink holds some secret to a deeper meaning to life.

I look down at the desk where my phone sits. The screen is dark for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. It isn’t a phone anymore, it’s an empty husk.

I push my chair back away from the desk, stand up and walk the few steps to the bed. Take the plunge.

Somewhere I am in a world where this box of dusky, yellow light is all I know.

And I fall asleep thinking about how much I hate the lampshade.

it's like bambi meets godzilla


i leave it to you the public to decide just what dario is saying.

i'll give you a hint.

it is not "I sharted."

it's the caption game

alright, so. while i did have a whole other post lined up i now have something better that just begs to be put up. and really, how could i not.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, parrots and elephants, I present to you:

G-Talk From Korea, with special guest, The Drunk Italian...

ciavarro: you're a fag

me: youre a korean bbq

ciavarro: you're a fucking jew ass idiot bastard face

me: this isnt new information

ciavarro: you need help

me: also not new

ciavarro: you're a skinny mother fuck

me: you're in korea and the best you can come up with is sitting there telling me this?

ciavarro: I'm not sitting in Korea

I'm in norh burnaby


in my ro

dont tell anyone

els eI will gas chambar your ass




me: that must have been one fucked up korean bbq

ciavarro: ㄱㅎㄷ1쇼ㅕㅓㅛㄱㄱ






that 'sbetter

me: dude you better watch out, Kim Jong Il is ronrey and he might come for you

ciavarro: Kim Jon is my bitch

lilke you

you guys gotta share

being my bitch

me: yeah we'll work on that

ciavarro: you like finger 11 because that's the number of digits you can fit in your ass

me: only cause it makes you jealous

ciavarro: pat

me: yes

that is me

ciavarro: who?



you're gay

me: heard you brought your white shorts

ciavarro: you bou ghta muff diver for yourslef

you like being gay

I want to bone my girlfriend right now




you need to get wasted in Korea more often

ciavarro: DONE

whe nI'm in Jeju

I'm outta contact

so soak up this attention now

because you'll be nic'in when i'm gone

me: i thought when you're gone thats when the little jew babies come out

ciavarro: hahahahahhahaa,like y oucould ever get it up for a woman

me: i got it up for your mom

ciavarro: I said WOMAN. Fuck dude, read.

me: dude you just called your mom a guy

i knew it

ciavarro: dude, have you met my mom?

me: the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's ass and ended up as a brown stain on the matress

ciavarro: sure did.

fuc kyou

me: something to be proud of

ciavarro: pat

buy me beer

an dleave it inmy fridge

for when I get home

I will reapay you with attention

for 20 minutes

me: wow im overwhelmed by your generousity

ciavarro: deal

i'm out

later hoe

me: later

really, how could i not


i had dreams last night of being chased through a forest being shot at by two guys with MP5's and then to make them think tehy killed me i blew up boxes of fireworks and i woke up and it was pretty much a "im laying my head down on my desk and maybe hoping i just pass out" kind of day.
bonus though, i totally get a slurpee full of rum because i am awesome.
i need to buy real groceries so far my dinner has been ramen and peanut butter out of the jar.

in a familiar dose


elvis had a way more not sitting in a cubicle day than i did, BUT i got icecream at work and he didnt.
today i emailed Monte Solberg about federal funding for NFP organizations.
i havent got a response from Bev Oda's office yet.

so said the soap breakers


i swear if Bev Oda does as good a job being Minister of Heritage as she did when she was a teacher i hope all her students fucking failed. which is actually bullshit, cause she never was a teacher even though today she decided to say that she had been.
what a goddamn joke. it's my understanding that Business of Supply is meant to actually get answers out of Ministers, not didge questions and insult the opposition party members like they do during QP. i'd also like to see a Minister of Heritage who has a basic grasp of the French language, it of course being a major part of Canadian heritage. And on that note, I'd also like to see a Minister of Heritage with a basic grasp of the English language too, cause i dont know what the fuck that was today, but it sure as hell wasn't understandable in either.
fuck it, im going to watch aqua teen hunger force.

sick the Pirates on em!


so if you've paid attention on here for a little while you know i have this propensity to beleive that finding a penny and reciting a little poem brings good luck. therefore, finding a penny right in front of me waiting for the bus last night pretty much guaranteed a good night.
hokay, so.
door at 7, i got there at 5:30 cause i had this pass i found to let me take pictures from right against the stage and i didnt want to get shafted on anything. so night begins with me finding the muchmusic people who live in an RV and getting a green wristband from them so i can do that. what to do whiel waiting for wristband...oh i'll chat with you guys who are from much and the bassist and F11. he was excited about having taken the skytrain for the very first time.
ok so thn random guy travis and i are sitting there talking about concerts we've been to much like people do outside waiting for one to start. we got talk to the MM people more. we get lanyards and sign up for the F11 street team. we get in line with a few other people and we're the rowdiest group in the entire line of about 2000 people.
so they're filming this show for a dvd. so muchmusic girl comes up to travis and me "you guys were here the earliest and youve been really cool aboutasking things so can i film you for the dvd?" hi, yeah, let me even try to consider saying no.
so there's that. plus they filmed a bunch of extra stuff with the bunch of us just goofing around outside.
ok, concert starts, front and center as required, won't have it any other way.
lalalala get to take pictures of Strata right up against the stage. went back in to the crowd front and center for Inward Eye. fuck they were good, they dont even have a record out yet but im so buying it when they do.
ok and finger 11 comes on and i go back out to the stage for 10 minutes or so taking picahtures. just aboot got conked out by james and his guitar leaning over the edge.
ok, got enough pictures, go back in the crowd to find mosh pit.
enter mosh pit.
first thing you see upon enter mosh pit: dude who looks like Brandon Lee in the Crow only twice as big. so ok, as strange as it seems, as opposed to the skipknot pits, i actually came out with bruises and sore as hell and hurting all over from this one.
also got all of One Thing on video, and as soon as my videocompressor stops being a dick i will have that up.
oh and they played Patience for the encore which was wiiiiiiiiiicked.
and then after travis and i hugn around and chatted with the Much peoples more and the rest of F11 and it was cool.
and then we went to the skytrain and there were these three chicks there who waved, so us being very tired and much appeased by juts having seen an awesome concert wave back and somehow this turns into them following us onto the skytrain and sitting on us. strange.
and then i walked home and then i slept and im amazed i made it through the day.
ok that is my story bye.


as promised i have video:

i can never hit the high ones