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sh!thawks...on parade: 02.2007

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so i gots me some mail today. it was a big brown package. underneath the big brown package was a beer box and momentarily i was all "THE MAIL BEINGS MAILED ME BEER SWEET JEBUS!!!" and then i was that wouldnt work because think of how badly shaken they'd be... and then i opened the blue box and then i pulled out the guts of newspaper and plastic bag and as soon as i put my hand on what it was i knew what it was. i just didnt know there would be SUPER EXCITING FUN JIGGLY AND STICKY AND BOUNCE AND SQUISHY AND PATCHY THINGS STUFFED INSIDE IT!!! so my sister is tres cool because she sends me heads full of goodies in the mail.
i went and i bought the new nin dvd and it is spectacular as always how could it not be SHUT YOUR MOUTH YOU DIRTY DOUBTERS!
so i was thinking the other day...yeah i know, surprising...and i wonder if Randy Rhoads could appreciate the irony of Flying High Again and if you really need me to explain that one then go educate yourself.
i bought a dragon fruit. i dont know what to do with it or how to eat it BUT it feels funny and it's bright colours and it looks neat so i figure if i hold it up or something someone will eventually tell me what to do with it. or i could name it and put sunglasses on it much like i did with jeffries except for the sunglasses part.
and, ok, so, really what's wrong with eating a tomato like an apple? can someone clear that one up for me? cause really i have no issue with it but apparently in some worlds that's like a huge thing to be all "EW THATS GROSS" about.

saturday we are going to the Blarney Stone for my birthday stuff. ok.

so ive resigned myself to the fact that i have to cheer for Vancouver now because i have to cheer for a western conference team that's canadian and not calgary because let's face it calgary blows goats, and really, who's left? and now by default i am going to cheer for the islanders in the east because it's the right thing to do now oh and kevin lowe i still hope you get crushed standing outside of rexall by the statue of gretzky and it gets hit by lightning and falls on you because that's what you deserve.

im going to go find me the radio version of the hitchhikers guide to the galaxy stories and im going to put them all on my mp3 player so at work i can be entertained by them and i can reflect on the absolute absurdity of life in a general state of cubikness. oh and apparently, i have a cubicle number too. yeah news to me. i got an email today asking me to update my employee profile and it was like please enter your cubicle number but i ont know it so i tried to skip it and it was like BRRRRRRRMMMM!!ENTER YOUR CUBICLE NUMBER RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!! and waving my hands at it and going "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?" didnt help so i didnt. update it that is.
if i had just one last wish i would like a tasty fish.
you know in Delirious when Eddie Murphy is talking about Mr. T being gay? k, now picture Dr. Claw from inspector gadget saying the same thing. yeah. creepy i know.

i just put a hole in my most favourite pair of jeans. built in obsolesence. but at least i can do it fashionably. or. go buy another pair. because let's face it, me + knowing that there's a Buffalo store being put in Metrotown= let's get the fuck down to metero town.


do i need a Hi My Name Is thing?


kevin lowe go choke on gary bettman's cock you stupid fucking cock rag numb fuck dicksucker twat face cunt hole!!!!

over and above


the most exciting part of my day today was waking up to Tool and then right after that New Orleans is Sinking.
my job is severely boring and boring me severely. i dont get how people can do that for years in a row and not turn into some kind of soulless processing zombie that can only speak in coding words and walking around rating everyone on their insurance risks.
i think it's odd that i really have no reason to stress about anything at all but i feel stressed cause i dont want to get caught in a shitty quandry of nothing in particular cause nothings in particulums and their resultant slack jawed occurances of lack.
on my way to work this morning my brain went "oh jeez, i dont like the whole carrying an umbrella to work thing cause it's kind of dumb."
and then i looked down the street and there was a line of umbrella'd people stretching down the street and i thought that would be a nezt picture and then i wondered how many people in new york have umbrellas with extra long handles so they can hold them up over all the other ones so they dont smack into each other eventually resulting in an unending wall of umbrellas exending up up and away.
when it wasnt think about umbrellas, my brain was thinking the following "dear Life, i dont ask much of you and i've put up with lots of your shit for a long time so how about you give me something back for once in a while that isnt you just dangling something in front of me and then pulling it back and going PSYCH! cause we both have to live with each other and it's all about compromise and since you're life i bet you can probably work something out."
i wonder if i could get away with saying i have a phoboa of cubicles and could therefore never ever have a job where it's required to spend more than a few seconds sitting in one...

my thoughts take me downtown


first notice of the reminder to remind people that next sunday it's my birthday so this coming saturday there will be alcohol fueled celebratory activities not necesarrily in my honour but let's face it yes they are, either at the Cambie or the Blarney Stone and i have people asking for one or the other and not one or the other so ultimately it might come down to a coin toss so 8:30pm ish or 9pm ish on saturday would be a good time to show up and over the course of the week i will let you know more for sure the certainty of the sureness of what will transpire when and where. ok thank you.

he ran home in the rain.
because he doesnt really know why.

sandhills and dunes


i went for a wanderin downtown a bit today. no i did not take my camera. odd yes. meh.
i have leftover pizza but im not eating it for dinner cause i figure i'll need good post drinking food so im making pasta.
and in a stroke of genius im making veggie sauce. however, the stroke left me a little worse for wear after i realized that i have no tomatoes, meaning that i'll somehow have to substitute the water content with something else. and no, not just water, wtf, do i want tasteless sauce? fuck off you tasteless NOT TASTERS!!! thus i have devised a way to counter this debacle. yes indeed. into the pan goes what's left of a bottle of sauce, two carrots, diced, brocolli diced, baby bok choy, two tablespoons of plain cream cheese for texture, and three tablespoons of lime juice for flavour and liquid. will it work? STAY FUCKING TUNED TO FIND OUT BECAUSE IM MY OWN GODDAMN SWEDISH CHEF. thats right bork bork fucking BORK.
the phrase that was stuck in my head all day yesterday was "I smell like an anthill clip clop clip clop."

they need to put them on one big page not 74 little ones


i got up this morning and i felt good, and the morning was ok and i even found two pennies at lunch, and im pretty sure everyone is pretty much aware of my proclivity towards feeling that finding a penny means good things and then over the course of the day it was a slow nose dive into feeling tired as fuck and sore and my head feels dry and scratchy on the inside which it shoudnt cause i had like three bottles of water today.
i started off the day with Born on the Bayou and now ive got 10000 days on in two rooms on repeat.
im going to go take a shower and then im going to lay on the floor surrounded by speakers and turn up the sub and just stare at the ceiling for a while.

how to disappear completely


i just watched Mike Rowe make a snake puke up a mud puppy.
my sister is in LA right now on vacation and having much more fun in warmer weather than i am sitting at a desk in milder weather looking out the window wishing i were having more fun in warmer weather.
so i got the thing with the grad app sorted out so hopefully we'll see what happens and it'll be A GOOD GODDAMN ENDING TO THE STORY CAUSE THAT'S HOW IT SHOULD GO. ruiners of universes need not apply here. k thx.
i keep telling myself that when i get home im going to go jogging. telling and doing. toooootally different things.
so im pretty much over quota at work already. which apparently according to most people there takes like three months to do. right. cause it's so hard.
i think i need a hobby. well, ok, another one that i can do that will somehow cause me to be more fatigued so i can fall alseep easier and stay alseep longer cause yeah this whole waking up after three hours and then laying there half sleeping and knowing it, annoying. on the upside, it means i have crazy weird and surreal and lucid dreams. seems like the last few ive been fucking around in Deathlands type scenarios. neat.
i uh, yeah i got nuthin. i am lapsing in creativity, and it kind of blows. the last time i was at a beach in vancouver was in october two years ago. wow. um, i should get on that.
maybe i'll actually go over to blockbuster finally and get mounds of shitty junk food to stuff my face with when i watch scrubs later. HA YEAH CANDY IM GONNA FUCKIN EAT YA!!!
i have jambi stuck in my head.

soft regurgitation


700th post. also the post where i get to tell everyone how i wont be going to grad school in the fall because isn't it nice that over a month of asking for and giving info and preaddressed stamped envelopes and checking up on reference letters in january still means that one of them doesnt get there. i get to go to work now. great. if you happen to be driving down renfrew, i'll be the guy doing the sad sack walk towards his cubicle.


so apparently i might not be completely fucked. we'll see. radiohead says i think my luck could change.

well that pretty much blows


i keep waking up at 3am. never 4am. never 2am. always 3am. and then i can never seem to get back to a full sleep. its always the 'turn over and half sleep til the alarm is just about to go off so you stuff your face under the pillow and mercifully hope that maybe it's actually still midnight and you have a whole night left to sleep' thing.
i went to buy socks. exciting i know. they arent argyle. not as exciting. i know. i went to the bay at pacific center. the dude at the cash register looked super excited to be there, and by that i mean he probably wanted to shoot himself. so the guy in front of me puts his whatever he's buying down and the cashier dude is all "DO YOU HAVE AN HBC REWARDS CARD?" "no." "WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY ONE AND SAVE TEN PERCENT ON YOUR PURCHASES?" "no thanks, i'll pass." "OH OK. DO YOU COLLECT REWARDS POINTS?" "um..." "OH IT'S NOT THE SAME THING BUT YOU GET POINTS. YOUD GET A LOT OF POINTS FOR THIS." "no that's ok." "OH WELL, THATS TOO BAD, YOUD GET A LOT OF POINTS. YOU'D GET A REALLY GOOD DEAL WITH AN HBC CARD. YOU COULD COLLECT POINTS WITH IT." "i'll just pay with my debit." "ARE YOU SURE YOU DONT WANT TO SIGN UP FOR THE HBC CARD?" "yes."
so then the guy pays, and he's still putting his card in his wallet as i put my stuff down thinking "aaaaaany second now..."
"DO YOU HAVE AN HBC REWARDS CARD?" like he's fucking expecting me to salvage his ruined attempt at badly trying to convince the other guy to get one... "nope, dont want one." other guys laughs. "OH. YOU COULD SAVE TEN PERCENT" "that's ok, it's more fun paying full price." "OH. YOU COULD COLLECT POINTS."
here's how the conversation went in my head about a nanosecond after i put my stuff down...

the key to not shitting bricks is to choose foods that go out as easy as they go in. think about it. take spaghetti for instance. when you eat it you slurp it up very easily. it's a pasta that slides without resistance going in, so it only makes sense that the very same noodles slurp out your ass just as effortlessly. or, take rotini which can ease the passage of food by itself being able to pass easily while serving as a compartment in which other morsels may ride out in.

im not having pasta, im having asian dumplings, brocolli and bok choy. sunday is a long goddamn time away.

two specials left, onry 2.99!


if i were still in school i woud be having midterms right now and that would be way more exciting than typing names for hours a day. however, midterms dont pay as well. why do girls drink sweet wines like strawberry wines?
so when i walk to work in the morning i walk through a residential area where people have front yards and back yards and cars and grass to mow with a lawnmower and hedges to trim and i guess thats what most people think the goal in life is at some point. suburbia and a lawn mower. i dont think i want that. i mean, there's always going to be the house and the lawn and garage in alberta, but i dunno if i want that. but yeah. i think right now i would rather just have a nice apartment or something and no lawn and no lawnmower. because there'll always be that to take a break to. which i guess everyone needs at some point. i think my breaks can be in the fall when theres not much grass to cut and nice cool nights on the front step and weekends in the country driving around looking for potholes to sneak.
suburbia is a strange pace and a strange place. floor bacon.
i opened an ING account so i can take some money and use it to go places that arent suburbia.

eat the cake


so now that there's no Buffalo store on Robson i really dont feel the spending money vibe down there anymore. ok, well thats not entirely true, but i did manage not to buy anything today even though i kept telling myself 'goddamn, how can you not be finding anything???" well, k i did except im not dropping 500$ on a jacket...yet...maybe...probly not.
tonight we're going for dinner at cardero's and im going to have the tuna because im not paying for it.
so shallow eh?
so im at my aunt and uncles for the weekend and its sort of odd having people around. cause usally i wake up turn on my computer and be lazy. here there are people. and food. and two tvs. and Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter.
which i'll most likely end up playing tonight after dinner. or go see ghost rider.
or i might buy a ps2. i dunno. im indecisive this weekend.
also, bring in a house with people means having other people constantly look over your shoulder.
isn't it amazing what you can accomplish when you dont let ambition get in your way.
so yeah. luu luu skip with your luu? yes i want an apple pie with that.

is that his hair?


ben, ma mère est ici't pour m'visiter pour le weekend. pis chouis finalment reçu mon paycheque pour mon job, c'est fun ça j'peu aller shopping maintenant. uhhh hokay, dat iz hall for now j'dois chercher ma mère à l'aérogar.

we wore pink in the 80s



yeah i got shotgguned


•Þa±z• - USB dongle goblin says:
so today i sneezed and it was one of those sneezes where you dont realize youve got all this build up of phlegm and then you realize that youve now lubed up your sleeve with phlegm

La vie en rose... says:
did you do the werewolf thing

•Þa±z• - USB dongle goblin says:
the what??

La vie en rose... says:
Dane Cook..............when you're about to sneeze and you try to usher your friends you're turning into a werewolf and you're trying to protect them

•Þa±z• - USB dongle goblin says:
but i also didnt do the whole FOOOOO

La vie en rose... says:
I have the most high pitched sneezes ever
or, they don't make a sound
and I just pull a sneeze face

•Þa±z• - USB dongle goblin says:
you have mute sneezes
youre stealth in a box

La vie en rose... says:
my box is pretty stealthy
I'm doing Mission Impossible music in my head

•Þa±z• - USB dongle goblin says:
im doing Get Smart in mine

La vie en rose... says:
i loooooved that show

•Þa±z• - USB dongle goblin says:
theres supposed to be a movie in the works

La vie en rose... says:
i'm excited
listen to what I'm saying
Okay, so I love Bukowski like..........more than my own family
AAAAAAAAND, they made a movie based on one of his books
and I'm so excited about it
I could like...........explode

•Þa±z• - USB dongle goblin says:
thats not stealthy at all
thats not MI music
thats like
Ride of the Valkries

I don't even know how to say that in Spanish


waterwings can be a deadly weapon. along with dangly strings they can be used to subdue an unsuspecting pickle until it sees nothing but falling lace and post it notes.

vided first year at SFU in McCow. yes thats three or four different colours of nail polish.

you mean it just dangles?


my mind keeps fast forwarding to how nice it'll be in the summer when i decide to get up earlier on a weekend and just go stand outside for a bit in the morning and have some tea. but that's a few months from now and the sun seems to have decided it's going on vacation again for a few days but whatever. for all the bitching people do around here about all the rain, you have to give credit to the fact that when it's not pouring buckets out it's actually pretty nice here regardless if it's drizzly or not.
i walked around downtown for a few hours onyl using my umbrella about half the time cause really, it's not like someone is pointing a hose at me. the HMCS Winnipeg was docked at the cruise ship port and the gankplank was down and i was looking down from the observation deck around the exhibition center and i saw that they had like little info plaques set up on the deck and i saw a guy walking around reading them so i decided to go down and take a look and when i found the door to go through to get to the loading deck area the door was locked and a Navy guy was behind it and he looked at me like 'wtf do YOU want' and i asked through the door if i could go look and he just shook his head with that "wtf do YOU want" look. FINE I DIDNT WANT TO GO LOOK AT YOUR CRAPPY BOAT ANYWAY. I GUESS SINCE IM NOT AN OLD MAN WITH A BALDING HEAD I WONT APPRECIATE IT AS MUCH.
my mom gets here on thursday for a few days.
after this weekend it's two weekends til my BIRTHDAY BIATCHES. for my birthday i want to be a mythbuster. so yeah. thx in advance for making that happen.
this morning i woke up early. not that i wanted to, just that i did. it was kind of one of those morning where after a while you figure theres no point in trying to go back to sleep so you leave all the lights off and go sit on the couch in front of the tv and channel surf til you hit Space and youre all "fuck yeah Wrath of Khan." so you watch Wrath of Khan and do laundry til you decide to go for a walk in the rain downtown and listen to Matt Good songs and not feel rushed about anything in particular and have navy guys shake their heads at you.

forget all your worries, forget all your cares and go...


yeah im not even gonna try putting these in order cause i probly cant remember anyway.

in west philedelphia born and raised on the playground is where i spent most of my days.

lots of stuff to do with boobs. i believe i was told i'd get the whole show?

lots of yelling and singing and pointing at THAT GUY!!!

tim was weird. tim's buddy looked like johnny knoxville.

are you coaching me on the sidewalk??? no im not getting in that cab cause it's a

in the immortal words of Greg the Bunny "Hey everybody look at me! I'm a drunken cliché!!"

so if i really think about it i bet i could sum up the night in one word.

and it's surprisingly easy.

and that word is:


i think this is the point where pat realized that maybe he'd had too much to drink.

dont you digest?


cambie bitches.


miso hungy.

im going to call my eye twitch the "cubikEye" cause it only occurs while sitting in my cubicle.

yes sasher you're right, i dont think im cut from cubicle material. but i'll put up with it cause they'll pay me.

so apparently im like...a month and a half ahead of where most new people are right now four days after training. something like that.

i brought my other two oilers figures and put them on the cubikshelf.

so i took a break and took a leak and then a few hours later when i went for a walk i was like 'oh i guess my fly undid itself. how convenient that my day is spent at a desk where no one can see that.' and then i wondered if i should put a sock puppet in there but that might not go over so well.

the safety dance does not equate to fucking an entomologist but hey you could fuck one while safely dancing.

if there's too much snow and it's too cold then come here where we are both lacking snow and cold. k thnx. also, do people reeeeeally still do the whole "you've reached Chez Chef" on their voicemail? come on if you have voicemail you tooooooootally have to either use welcome to Cassa Del Voicemail OR record monty python.

so im channel surfing and i find out anna nicole smith is dead and of course i saw it on CNN and i was like "really Anderson Cooper, is that why they pay you? i thought you were te smart one of the bunch. leave that shit to Nancy Grace." and of course a few channels up theres nancy fucking going off about it like shes giving the most violent blowjob in the world. and then i clicked to canadian news channels and OH LOOK! REAL NEWS!!! i bet someone in the white house killed her so that every news station in the states would be like "holy fuck!! a blonde with big tits is dead! let's ignore the human rights violations our government has just committed while our attention was diverted to this horrific and terrifying news about a blonde with big tits!!!"

and did you hear about the hannibal the cannibal preview? about how the preview had to get toned down cause it had the word 'terrifying' in it and it was during the superbowl and there were families watching? yeah.... dear America... the word terrifying is not a boob. sorry to bust your bubble.

hahaha. boob. bust. hahahaha.



there is no strap


so i settled on taking my Jason Smith figure to work. i think i might actually take both of the other ones too. AND YES I CAN PROUDLY DISPLAY THEM IN AN OFFICE IN VANCOUVER BECAUSE SHUT UP 1994 HOW MANY FUCKING STANLEY CUPS DO YOU HAVE UNDER YOUR BELT???
so im not excited about becoming a yuppy. i just look forward to being able to purchase those expensive jeans when i feel like it.
ive been soaking that tin for two days in the hope that what remains of the burnt muffin fiasco might dissolve, but it has resolve (rhyme tyme) and wont go so i might just have to bust out the SOS pad but im hesistant to do that cause they might scratch off the nonstick coating on my pan and fuck that cause it's like restaurant quality pan so fuck that. yeah thats right, im fucking dead serious about my muffin tin quality.

ballistics gel vaginas


- my chuck taylors came from the Converse outlet store in Las Vegas
-my chuck taylors are olive green, my grey Vans are grey
-my new hair cut is apparently very militaristic
-there are a lot of rubber bands on the sidewalk going down Renfrew
-you can substitute the words to Camptown Races with "Three mile island melted down doodah doodah, three mile island melted down OH FUCK MUTANTS!!!"
-i had the theme to The Price is Right stuck in my head all afternoon
-ive been making hand gestures much like those of Raoul Duke lately
-im accumulating candy and neat photos in my cubik to stimulate people to walk down to the end of the cubik row to come visit me
-when i stamp things i hear Tory Belleci go "bla-DOW!!!" in my head
-reading the nutrional information about McDonald's food while eating McDonald's food only succeeds in making your McDonald's food taste like the uber nastiest McDonald's food in the history of McDonald's food
-if i forget what day it is all i have to do is remember which pair of pants im wearing to work
-i can rock the business casual like tommy lee rocks the drums
-i woke up to Blown Wide Open and Big Wreck is one of the most underrated bands ever
-the new cost reduction is 63 something which was figured out on sunday. who does cost reductions on sunday?
-Mr Sub continues to demonstrate it's position at the bottom of the Sub totem pole because the Ultimate Cheddar looked like a radiation cancer Eeore version of an ultimate cheddar
-your current prepaid balance is $3.37 which is something like 374 minutes

-cambie on friday.

-black pants tomorrow.

-after you watch a clip of tyra banks that raymi posts and email tyra banks about being a hypocrite you get this in response...
"Thank you for writing to Tyra Banks. Tyra appreciates your letters and has
arranged to send you a free autographed photo as a special thank-you gift. If you
included your postal mailing address, this gift will be sent to you shortly. If you
did not include your postal mailing address and would like to receive a picture,
please reply to this message and include your address. You will receive this same
message when you write again, so you may disregard it after you have sent your
postal address. Please allow at least 4-6 weeks for your request to be processed.
Pictures will be sent by postal mail, not e-mail."
...cause i totally want my autographed collectibles to be emailed to me...

oodles of noodles


so when you start a new job you always have that delicate balance to do with doing just enough work to still be productive but not so much that you get it all done too quick or not enough so that people think youre an idiot.
obviously i havent yet learned this at the new job. either that or im a whatchacallit. a prodigy. thats it. im a DOS prodigy cause it hasnt taken me a month to enter more that ten policies. it took me two days to double that. and then you finish and you sit there and you still have a half hour left in your day and you think...fuck now what... so i reorganized all the papers from one wall of the cubic to the other wall of the cubic and then staked things and laid pens in rows.

and on another note, what kind of microwave doesnt have a timer? dont you think that it's kind of assumed that a microwave should have a timer function? yeah i think so. apparently the one in the kitchen didnt get that memo. or he was the microwave pariah and failed Timer Function class.

my left eye started twitching last night and it hasnt stopped yet. so ive got twitchy eye. if it spreads to the right im wrapping my head in white bandages and wearing big dark shades à la Invisible Man.

how about instead of talking about it we bury all our problems?


why do you need to put sugar on top?