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sh!thawks...on parade: 12.2007

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omg it feels good to be back in a city where people can still wear shorts out. seriously, that cold thing just doesnt agree with me anymore.
thusly i shall now enjoy a hearty repast of lean cuisine instant frozen thing meal that are actually pretty good JUST THROW IT IN A SKILLET.
usually i try to keep my carry-on on a plane to one bag. today i had two bags and a big ass box. and a checked bag. pain in the ass.
im heading up to everett and erin and mike's later and im not making any resolutions at all.
i never do.
and heres why.

i never do.

whats the point? most people forget them by the end of january. and when you think about it, after the year is have over, it's no longer a new year, it's an old year. you dont make old year's resolutions. plus you're really the only one who knows what they are so there's no one around to kick your ass if you slack off. ive never seen the point in making a statement to yourself that you know you really arent going to follow through on as a new years resolution. why cant you just tell yourself you want to accomplish anything yearlong? you want to quit smoking? dont tell yourself at the start of the year and then a few weeks down the road say maybe next year.

thats lame.

my new years whatever will be to heft a bottle and cheer and then go back to whatever we were doing before we all cheered.


fat choys are all around


there's a spider on the ceiling right now. it was on the wall before and my mom and sister both demanded that i dispatch of it but i didnt cause it's way over there and it's not really bothering anyone.
i went for wings with my buddy mike who i worked with at the County for the last few summers before this summer when i didnt go home. before that i had the sushi with julia. i also had way too much pepsi with wings.
too much sushi plus hot wings plus green tea plus too much pepsi plus valerian root makes for a very tossing and turning time trying to sleep.
however, it does result in probably the most comfortable sinking-in-your-bed feeling when you wake up ever.
on the downside, it results in some spectacularly fucked up dreams. you know the kind where you realize you're dreaming and you try to wake yourself up but you cant and it just keeps getting more and more screwed up as it goes?
my mom wants to knit me a scarf.
it's my parents anniversary tonight. we're having a fondue. i have to prep the food later. 
i also have to somehow figure out how to pack twice as much stuff into one suitcase that i came with.

and DONT WORRY DANIELLE YOU GUYS ARE MY BEST OF FRIENDS TOO but this year it's the sfu peeps turn for new years. also tell him that ryan and i are WAITING TO PLAY SOME DAMN MUSIC. STILL.

enough about black boxes


i had to run all over town this morning getting stuff for a fondue for tomorrow cause it's my parents 29th anniversary.
then i went for sushi with m friend julia who's pretty much the only person i still talk to from high school. actually we've pretty much been friends since kindergarten. she moved away from here to go teach so we were eating and talking about what we were doing in vancouver and where she's at and got around to talking about people from here a bit and how it's really good that it's easy to forget about people sometimes.
i know that sounds weird, but here's the thing... a lot of people from our grad class are already married, have never left sherwood park and still hang out with the same clique. i could probably count on one hand the number of people i know from here who went elsewhere after high school and did anything at all. ive talked to all of four people the whole time ive been back here cause it's almost a waste of time trying to talk to anyone else. seriously, it's been about five years since high school and that's all most of them know what to talk about.
i remember when i moved to ottawa after high school and i thought it was the end of the world because i had all my friends here and theyd always be my friends forever and yadda yadda and then you spend a few years away from home and you realize that's not true, never will be, and you really cant try to hold on to that. then you realize that you'd totally trade some old groups of friends for some new ones because yes there's that much difference and yes it's that much more comfortable and no the ones at home dont really give a fuck about you anymore.

so i come home and hear about so and so getting married or doing this and i shrug and say "that's nice" and go on with my day. 

im going back to vancouver on monday to hang out with some of my best friends for new years that could never come close to the people i was once friends with here. ive done new years here before and it sucks. it sucks because you know that you're not really part of that group of people anymore. and then after you stop giving a crap about it the next time you go home.

im full but there's cheesecake in the fridge that just cant be ignored.

magazine on the floor


im tired because i was up late playing guitar hero 3 on my new ps2 and playing with my new ipod and watching mythbusters til late wearing my new personalized oilers jersey.
i did get a sweater, but what's christmas without one?
my mom also really enjoyed the Twisted Sister Christmas album i got her. seriously. i know she did because she had that look on her face that looked like "what in the fuck...." so i know she likes it hahaha.
the dog (might as well call it our dog now anyway...spends more time here than it does at home now...) had her face up in everyone's face every time a plate was held. like RIGHT in their face. like right now. for some reason she decided that my mom's new jj bean blanket needed to be immediately given a dose of dog drool.
it was good times all around. i think im going to go half sleep on the couch now cause i can do that because i dont have to go to work today like so many other people who dont know the joy of a month off HAH.

i also decided to make my own version of the fire log channel. when it's finished it'll be just as awesomely boring as the original.

right's alright


my dad is downstairs watching ernest saves christmas way too loud, my mom is fretting over i dont know what in the kitchen, my sister is sleeping all day because she had to work a night shift last night and again tonight at the hospital and im sitting on the couch listening to the new matt good demo that he put up. we're not really having christmas til tomorrow.
my mom is forcibly suggesting that my dad and i 'go get the goddamn dog and do something' and the one thing you dont do around here on the holidays is fuck wit me ma.

k, happy whatever everyone is doing and yadda yadda im gonna go before the rolling pin starts getting waved in my direction hahaha.

all i gazed


merry commercial eve to all.

i have a question for banks that maybe someone MAYBE might have a fucking answer for...

im pretty sure the point of a student loan is to LET US PAY FOR SHIT BECAUSE WE HAVE NO FUCKING MONEY YOU FUCKWADS.

'oh see a professional degree offers up to $80000 and youd get it right away"
"this is a professional degree."
"right, ok. yeah. definitely, let's see what we can do. we can give you $7500 a year."


what is it about no prior debt, perfect credit, a professional degree, and willing cosigners with no debt that you do NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND?

oh, sorry, let me just move the fuck out of the way so you can fuck me over and go give trailer fucking trash charlie over there with shit credit thirty fucking grand to piss away on a fucking beater and have him crash it in a month. yeah, sure, no i understand perfectly. apparently i have to be a complete fucking incompetent failure with no prospect of making a good income ever for you to take me seriously.

fuck right off.


last night my mom asked me how i make these. so i showed her. she went "...oh..." and nodded incomprehensibly because it's more technical than solitaire. that's ok, she has some framed at the end of the hall.

i still havent decided what to do with them all. im almost done ninety of them i think. i think this is one of my favourites so far. my mom asked how i got vanity out of it. i shrugged cause i really dont know. i just look at them after i think im done fiddling around and then a word just pops into my head.

the RC's need my mug shot. it's hard to find a picture that suits their stupid little dimension criteria. if they want it they should come take the damn thing themselves.

last year i had to get up at 3:30 am.

as entertainingly bad as i remember


yesterday ally asked me how you deal with coming back home after you move away. i said it gets different every time. you get used to it.

somewhere between watching Sin City and looking through all my pictures in iPhoto i started to wonder how many times are left before that first christmas i dont spend at home. im not really sure why. it was just one of those things where you find your mind wandering and suddenly it latches on to this single thought that lasts only a few seconds, but makes you pause for what seems like hours until you've mulled it over and held it in your mind's eye trying to take it in from every angle. and then it goes away and you're left with an empty shell of a thought, but remember it enough to still be able to remember it for days to come.

im glad to be here for a break from school, but im really starting to miss the familiarity of vancouver and every one there. by january the place im living now will be the place ive lived the longest stretch of time of any one place ive lived in the last five years. and thats going to be just starting the ninth month. that makes it sound like im a nomad or something.

stop being sick and tell toys r us to stop making slaves out of you.

on a side note, you know at the start of fight club when he goes to the hospital to ask the doctor for something to make him sleep and the doctor tells him to chew some valerian root and get more exercise? yeah, well, they fail to mention that valerian smells like someone shit in a used gym sock.

over by the fence somewhere


i seriously need to find something to do here. it's getting to the point where im starting to get antsy just sitting around. im starting to think having an essay or two to do wouldnt be such a bad thing.

tomorrow i have to go to the bank and get a student loan. or a student line of credit. whichever. something that gets me money to go to school. after that i might just drive into town somewhere and wander around. maybe take some pictures. i burned a copy of NiggyTardust that needs to see some cruising action. maybe i can wear my pants real low and turn my hat sideways too. thankfully i also burned some Lamb of God so i can get back to the whole trailer trash redneck headbanger thing after i pull my pants back up...

my little escapade into textbook destruction has become quite the popular item around here. every time someone comes over to talk to my mom shes like "SHOW THEM YOUR VIDEO!"

so we sort of have a part time pet here i guess. our next door neighbours have a chocolate lab that pretty much spends more time at our house than its own. she's pretty much the only dog i like, not much of a dog person. k, well, not so much bigger dogs. smaller dogs i can handle. big dogs just dont make me feel all that comfortable. anyway, my sister organized a dog play day for her this weekend or something and now she has some cold or dog flu or something that makes her walk around and dry heave all day. except it's probably the wettest sounding dry heave i've ever heard. you know the ones where you hear it and you're like "fuck here it comes!" but it doesnt? yeah that kind. i think in people terms thatd be like barfing a little in your mouth and then swallowing it back down. kind of like what danielle must have done when the realization set in that she's marrying chad forever.

maybe i'll go see I Am Legend. i fully intend to see that and AVPR before new years.

oh we also finally got our grades back. i passed everything. two B's and two A-. i know, who figured on more than a C in econ? i still destroyed the book. yes. i hated it that much.

four cookies and two are the same


Welcome to Episode 1 of TextBusters! In this premiere episode we find out just how rugged an Economics textbook can be.
Could it really save your life if you wore it as a coat? Could it stop falling meteorites from crashing into your head?
Could it stop sucking so much you just cant help but look?
Find out the answers to these questions and more in this episode of TextBusters!

TextBusters - Economics


im having some trouble uploading pictures for some reason. i dont think the internets want me to upload anything today regardless of the program or site i try.
yesterday was the first day i actually did anything since i got home. went for lunch and a wander up and down whyte ave with iris and found some AMAZINGLY FANTABULOUS things that i cant tell what they are because theyre going to be late christmas present type things by the time they get to where they're going.
i also watched the new harry potter movie cause it's the only thing here i havent seen. it sucked.
then i watched the Bob & Doug MacKenzie 24 anniversary Special. it was pretty good.
i have to go empty the dishwasher now then maybe have some breakfast. and deal with stupidly unnecessary renewal forms.

beauty, eh?


i know, you cant wait for the whole thing.

TxtBstrs Teaser


the sky is Oilers colours here when the sun sets. looking out the window at a blanket of copper and blue that's falling from the sky.

ive come to realize that i can hardly remember where anything is in edmonton. last year i could have gotten around without much problem. now...i can get to whyte ave cause it's a straight line.

i went over to my old elementary school this afternoon, cause i usually do that once a year, and talked to my old music teacher, and one other person i was hoping not to run into just to keep things simple and locked up in the 'i dont give a fuck anymore' closet. i go over there to see my music teacher and some of the other teachers because they dont pester me about 'what about so and so?". they just like to say hi, ask how things are going, how the family is, shit like that. it's been pretty close to ten years since i finished there, and the same for going back to say hi. i never really felt like i had to, but i do it anyway. it's kind of funny walking in there and going to the music room and then having the class told "this is patrick, he came here a long time ago. ok everyone, we're practicing for the christmas concert and he's going to be our practice audience." and you cant help but smile when you listen cause you remember doing the same thing when you were in grade 1 and the entire world was ninja turtles and cartoons.

i think it's going to be odd the day i go back to say hi and there's hardly any of the old teachers there anymore.

i went to do some shopping today by the hospital where my sister works. shes now a certified 'shock-you-with-that-thing-and-yell-ALL-CLEAR!" thing, so if you're ever in edmonton and need to be zapped, you're in good hands.

the buffalo store had a crazy sale on. let's not even bother with trying to guess if i bought something.




*some of you may in fact be wondering why danielle would willingly put herself through getting hitched to chad. it's because she gets to direct the renovations.

i dont think they break the glass

my foot is being nom nom nom'd by the drooling wonder dog.

i made breakfast with the magic bullet today. it's ingenious. it's like a full meal compacted...or a convenient size.

apparently i have to go downtown with my dad in a bit. no clue why. but i havent left the house in two days so thats fine.

i also get to go talk to a family friend who works at a bank to learn how to get a good deal on a student loan so i can join the ranks of the debt setters society once and for all.

my dad is watching Ellen with the volume up really high. i can hear it in the whole house.

he's watching Ellen?


im back in the edmonton and area. it is cold. it is snowy. it is windy. someone was kind enough to have wireless nearby.

i had crispy bacon and fried eggs for breakfast and it was the greatest thing ever.


i caught a goddamn head cold. it's annoying because it feels like i have to sneeze every two seconds and i dont really, but then you do that thing where you feel like you are so you make the 'shit i have to sneeze' face, but then you dont sneeze so you end up looking like a total dumbass over and over again.

my dad wants to take the bus out to the airport to see what it looks like going there on the bus. so we're leaving like three and a half hours before our flight cause we have to go during rush hour.

and then i will go to sleep in the basement and i will not get up til very late and i will make bacon and eggs.

and it will be a glorious breakfast. a breakfast that hasnt been seen since i dont know when because i dont usually have time to make bacon and eggs.

im also tweaking the plans for the econ text book. it will still meet its terrible demise, but the options for its well deserved shooting full of holes has now been expanded due to an increase in the options available for calibres. so im thinking, a round of .45-70 to get things started, followed by three rounds of 3.5 inch magnum number 4 shells. it has to be well executed because i told people in my class i was going to destroy the book and film it and lots of people are excited to see how it goes down. im not in the business of disappointing people who have a mutual disdain for something. my dad suggested i mount the book on a plaque after it's done with and hang it in the research lab. im thinking about it.

the one thing about going home that i can never wrap my head around totally is who to talk to there. i havent talked to people i went to highschool with for a long time, there a few people i worked with i havent talked to in a while, and theres the odd person i know through persons and stuff. it's weird, going back home after you spend so much of your time in another city, or in another part of the country, getting to know different people, getting to know different things, and you go home and all the same people are there, hardly anyone's left to go anywhere, and most of the time when you go out with people the only thing to talk about is "hey, remember that one time in high school?"

i can coutn on one hand the number of people i know from home who've gone elsewhere. it's kind of a strange conversation when you're at the bar and they ask what you're up to, and you tell them all the palces you've been and things you've done and what you're up to now, and they haven't left the city for years. it's kind of a conversation killer. which is odd when you think about it. i mean, they asked in the first place, so why let the conversation die after i tell you?

then there's always the people you know are there that you really hope you dont run into just for the fact that things never ended the way you thought they should have and you're not sure if they ever did but you cant help but think you dont want anything to do with them anymore. but then you run into their parents at the mall and they ask what you're up to and it's all the same thing over again.

im there for three weeks, and i think im going to see what the smallest number of people i can talk to is and not have to deal with all the 'hey do you remember' shit. i think that the people who are the most honest about being glad to see you back are the ones who ask how you're doing, then dont get into conversations about school or anything like that. you just converse about nothing in particular and laugh and have a good time. because that way the next time you go back, you can remember something else that was fun.

is it right? no. is it funny? hell yeah it is!


ive been having really lucid dreams lately. really weird ones. to the point where i wouldnt even know how to begin to describe them. the kind where you know you're dreaming but at the same time they seem so real that you're wondering if you arent just imagining the fact that you feel like you're dreaming. i used to have these kind of dreams all the time and then stopped having them as often. now they come intermittently, but it seems like each time i have one they get more intense. its like being in a stephen king book. maybe my brain is just catching up with all the time it missed out on not being able to dream about anything other than econ and politics.

tomorrow im flying back to edmonchuck with my dad. tonight he gets his christmas present early because im taking him to go see larry the cable guy for some good ol' redneck fun. which is, in my opinion, the oddest thing to see in vancouver. this is the only canadian stop for a comedian who probably pisses off the fair majority of the area around here. calgary, i can understand, vancouver... meh, not like im going to complain, we missed him in Vegas last year by a week, so this makes up for it.

when i go somewhere for more than a few days i have this thing where i have to unplug as much as possible in my place because i get all paranoid that there's going to be some crazy power surge and everything is going to blow up. the same with light switches. especially if they get stuck halfway between off and on.

i'll have something deep and meaningful to say in a day or two maybe. til then...THEY TOOK MAH JOB!

does anybody have a dime?


this is quite possibly the most amazing thing ever. seriously. it actually trumps everyone poops in its amazingly amazingness. thanks to everett for providing me with such great entertainment.

the title is "blame your brother"


there are three things you can use to describe a christmas party at chad's place:

1. phallic decorating practices

2. chips, dip and wings

3. the SWAT team

in attendance were the ever popular blogsquad and others including danielle, dario, vanessa, robyn, duane, ryan, steve, matt, alicia, adam.

there was singing along to music. there was garlic dip. there was bean dip. there was camera flashes. there was the sounds of alcohol and laughter. there was hanging out with people who hadnt been seen in ages. there were text messages galore. there was cooking napkins and wings over a candle. there were frantic phone calls about snipers. there was rushing outside to see what all the fuss was about only to stand there and watch cops with machine guns running around outside, followed by going back inside yelling "IT'S NOT US!"

oh yeah, and making love to chad's balls. it's tradition.

good times.

food gas rooms