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sh!thawks...on parade: 06.2007

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so vacations are pretty awesome because you can be soooooo lazy and it's awesome and i'm probably going to have the worst watch tan in the world.
yesterday it was fun cause i was like OMG THE SUN STILL EXISTS!!! and that was pretty neat seeing as how it's been nothing but cloud slash rain in vancouver for a while.
hahah so we go to the Good Mall and i was all H&M! and then we went and i didnt buy anything there. no, we went to Buffalo where my addiction was sated once again. And apparently mentioning to the girls that work in the stores who wear too much makeup and sweaters that dont fit that are pretty 1988 here that you live in Vancouver is pretty much good enough to make them cream their pants in two seconds. yeah, not kidding.
"These pants are going to rule in Vancouver."
"Oh are you visiting there?"
"no i live there."
"ooooohh...rr-rreally? thats hee hee pretty coooool, sooooo what are you doing in Barrie *hair twirl*
could it be that I have discovered a secret weapon here? like in the middle of a conversation just be like "I LIVE IN VANCOUVER!" and WHAM their defenses are fucking gone.
i bet i'll try that and they'll be like "we fucking hate hippies leave us alone."
damn capitalist pig dogs.
and apparently i can be louder and flail more than portugese people. i guess that's a good thing? maybe? sometimes?
this tastes like the cow got into an onion patch.

that tree is Rudolph only not at all


i am in barrie.

"you're blogging ALREADY?"

holy fucking traffic jams batman.

thats all. im tired. more later.


so, i get home, and i put my shit down, and i open the window and i turn around and there's a hug FUCKING BEE CRAWLING AROUND ON THE GROUND GET THE FUCK OUT YOU CREEPY LITTLE FUCKER I HATE YOU CAUSE YOU LIKE TO FLY AT MY HEAD!!!
i sucked it up with vacuum and then i shut all the windows.


i keep thinking that when i have my laptop i'll be much more at ease about having shit to say all the time because let's face it, there's no shortage of Starbucks in this city with free wireless access.
then i dont have to try to remember shit i see, i can just stop and write and be IMMEDIATE you know?
im debating whether or not to pack my mp3 player with me cause really, i'll really only listen to it on the plane, and seeing as how my flight on thursday is at 7am i'l probably try to be sleeping on the plane.
ive got Thirty Three stuck in my head.
i used to pack like i was going on a fucking safari for three months when i went places. now i can pack like nobody's business. ok, maybe that's not true, but at least i have room for shit i buy.
also, on a completely different note, did you know that if you have an ING savings account that you CANT use your bank card as a debit card? yeah, that'd kind if be helpful information wouldnt it? didnt tell me THAT on your orange commercials Save Your Money guy, didja? nope.
apparently he's a big deal in Norway.
i went for late night sushi with Alana and Faiz last night to Tsunami. i was supposed to answer the cell phone for the chicks next to us who had this guy keep calling one of them. mostly cause they were yelling "THERAPY THERAPY THERAPY!!" into it and i gave them a funny looke and they were like "he's an asshole and stalking her" so i was like "let me answer it?" so of course it doesnt ring for five minutes and they have to leave. and only after they left did i say "i should have said "give me your phone number and i'll stalk you?" and the alana gave me a dirty look but Faiz agreed that theat probably would have worked because of the inherent ironic comedic twist.
i have a mole on my left thumb that just showed up one day and i always think it's a speck of dirt.

youre not an idiot, youre 13

cage match with her and Red Green would be so fucking killer.

manifest destiny is a vagina


i think this is real philosophy. maybe. no? one rule YOU MUST WATCH THE WHOLE THING. ok good.

so i think winter came back to vancouver cause it's raining again. i thought it was officially summer now.

i bought the new Grady cd and much like their first release it's AWESOME. but really how can it not be with their lineup? my suggestion is to go buy this right now. also because Gordie Johnson is fucking cool and plays the best guitar ever.

hustle up that money


it became insurmountably clear to me this morning just how high strung i am when my closet box thing again decided to collapse in front of me and i had to take a few deep breaths and tell myself not to put my foot through the wall. that and the lack of sleep and the nightmares this week. yeah. fun.
my dad keeps telling me i only have two months to go until I get to spend my time being stressed out in a whole different way that I actually enjoy, none of this hyppocritical "you need work life balance but come in every weekend and stay late all the time" horse shit. i fucking swear that the next person who tells me to pitter patter let's get at 'er im gonna rip off their fucking face and shit in the hole.
i have three days of work next week and then i get to take off and forget about all the bullshit for a week and hang out with cool peeps and chill out and have random fun and stay up all day and night and not have to think about waking up and going to somewhere i hate and have fun.
the last three canada day's ive worked, granted it was outside at night and i diiiiid get to watch the fireworks, but i was still working. i think it'll be a good swap this year to just sit there with someone and stare at explosions and feel good.'ll be fun to go have random fun at the Cambie tonight, but next week i get to it in a whole new place and make a whole bunch of new people go "what the fuck?" so yeah. it'll be fun.
oh, and if anyone has a closet to donate...

exit music


seems clear enough no? how can I sum it up easily? oh yeah...

it sucked.

like, real bad.

whoever wrote it needs to be slapped hard. i dont know what the fuck kind of Galactus that was, but im pretty sure ive never seen Galactus looks like a giant angry cloud.
also, giving about a twenty second explanation as to why the world is going to end...yeah, no see usually that takes up at LEAST thirty seconds.
also, I had no idea it only took about ten seconds to fly from new york to siberia and then hong kong. in a Dodge no less.
im pretty sure the writers thought that if they crammed enough big science sounding words and flashing computer screens into a 90 minute movie that people would take it legitimately.
and im not exactly sure what the whole metal worker guy grinding away at Dr Doom was. Also, im pretty sure that giving Dr Doom the Power Cosmic is pretty much the dumbest fucking plot idea ive ever seen. oh no! theres a giant cload bearing down on us we need to stop it! oh but first we have to make sure everyone's powers are absorbed by one character in one of the most obvious plot twists in the entire movie and then use them to go beat up a guy who can manipulate time, space and matter at once without actually getting hurt! and what the hell was with the Surfer's almost autistic lack of a personality? im sure if i go root around at home in my comic books he actually has one.
there's also the fact that there are so many attempts at comedic relief it almost ruins the movie entirely, which is a pretty big feat in itself. maybe that goes along with the science words and flashing monitors.
really, i was stoked when i first heard about this coming out because it has the Surfer in it. then i started to wonder how someone could realistically make this movie in a way that made sense and didnt fuck it up. i held on to my hope, oh i did. now im gonna go scrape it up off the ground because that was a catastrophe.
i think that if you have absolutely no idea of anything to do with any of the comics you might enjoy it because it's flashy and fast. if, on the other hand, you do, you should be cringing for most of this movie.
i also cringed when i saw that they'd turned the Wosk Center into a US intelligence agency.

highlight of the entire thing....the Simpsons Movie preview.

This is my review of Fantastic Four 2


so saturday i got to sleep in. i think that when you live away from home for an extended period of time there's no getting used to going home and being somewhat curious and dismayed at the same time about things that are different. case in point, fence along the side of the house was gone. last time it was the front of the house that was gone. it's things like that that make you stop and go "um....ok?...." and then wonder what else is different about a place that you always thought would stay the same. i never really thought i'd end up thinking of There as something static while Here was dynamic. it's kind of an odd thought process, thinking that you go visit home and you have an image in your head of something that never changed for most of your life and when you get there now it's not completely different but enough that it makes you take a good close look at it.
saturday morning i had bacon.
saturday afternoon i spent in a provincial heritage house of friends of the fambly for my mom's retirement slash sister's graduation party type thing gathering people wandering around chatting and eating small pieces of food with punch type thing. another thing i think you dont realize is how much your parent talk about you to people you have no idea who they are but they come up to you and are like "so i hear you're still in Vancouver and you're getting your Master's in the fall!" and here's an odd thing. most of the time when people say this to me i have no problem going on and on about it but this time my brain was thinking two things. 1- "how come youre so interested, please go say congratulations to my mom and sister because this is their party 2- i just kind of want to wander around and take pictures and not talk about it." of course i didnt say this outloud because out loud i was saying "yep" and coming up with answers as to what i think i would do with my life after i got it which generaly involved something along the lines of "well i guess i'll see won't i?"
saturday night was spent with the rents going out for vietnamese food and having some downtime which was good and tasty. then i watched half of POTC2 and went to sleep.
then i woke up early sunday and watched the rest of POTC2 til it stopped raining. then i drove out to the country with my dad and my sister and we shot off about a thousand rounds at golf balls and spinner targets and old pots and pans. also i was all too happy to wander up and down the road blowing holes in fence posts and the ground and cattails with my shotgun which i have missed so dearly and according to my dad had the biggest shiteating grin on my face after i went through fifty shells which was fine by me because it was so worth it to go half deaf and have a sore shoulder. not so much from the 2 3/4 shells but the 3 1/2's kick like a bitch but theyre so fucking fun to shoot. you know what i rally want to see? someone who's never fired a gun before say "that's not hard at all" and then pick up a 12 gauge loaded with a 3 1/2 inch 1 1/4 oz. heavy field load and touch it off and then see what they think about it. i think thatd be pretty funny. well, funny on the chance that they dont drop my fucking gun and get dirt in the barrel cause thatd be uncool. if they did that i'd feel no sorrow at all for their maybe broken collar bone. pansy. ok maybe thats not fair, but it's not my fault putting a few thousand rounds of shells up over twelve years made me used to it...ok maybe it is. anyway.
sunday night we had father's day steak and i flew back to vancouver.
tonight i drank grape juice out of a wine glass because it's classy.

these days of cloak and dagger


apparently i am allergic to the air in alberta now because im pretty sure the longest i went without sneezing great gobs of sneeze was about fifteen minutes.
by the by i kept that safety card so i would feel safe wherever i take it.
i'll put up real picture of weekend stuff later cause right now i want to ask something.
When did it become cool or fashionble to wear a zip up hoodie that's white base with randomly placed polka dots alllllllllllllll over it that look like the mid 90s just ate too much dayglo rainbow and fucking hurled all over a piece of fabric? i thought the world had moved on from polka dot door themed acid trip random patterns? no? well then, allow me to tip my new, very "driving around in a pickup in alberta wearing flanel and work boots" style, Budweiser hat at you.
here's something new i learned too; apparently when rugby players are in their early teens they think that jerking off in an airplane washroom counts as the milehigh club and then years later persist in telling this to all the other rugby player friends while waiting at the gait to get on the plane while passing around porn mags and making fun of Persians from Fort Mac. i did not know that. now i do. oh travelling, you have taught me so much information that will somehow never be used in any sort of intelligent way at all and for this i am greatful. espcially on the orient express 98 B line from richmond to downtown.
i picked up a copy of The Salmon of Doubt and it is awesome sauce. take Hitchikers and turn it into something tought provoking but written in the same way.
oh and perhaps one of the more important tips i learned this weekend...when attending a party for family members where guests will include not only old ladies but the occasional nurse who just started nursing and halfway through the party you finally manage to casually meander over to and start talking's important that before you leave for said party to througoughly inspect your nostrils for any rogue nose hairs that have suddenly decided to stick out visibly from your proboscus..probiscus...the thing you smell with. because if you dont and you do have a nice chat and then you get home and look in the mirror then you go "DAMN YOUS NOSE HAIR! DAAAAMN YOUS!!!" and then go find tweezers and by the by not the most pain free method of ridding yoruself of them.

a great big mountain made o' moooon pies


you ever wonder about the simplicity of the stupidity of the world? and no, im not just saying that to use an alliteration.
i went to work this mornign feeling like crap. so i did my work and came home. while i was there i went down the kibbles and bits caf and got some Chartwell's craptastic food. on the elevator on the way up i looked at it and wondered how many people in the world couldnt afford seven bucks worth of food in a year. it's a big number so i didnt so much start counting as lose count right away.
so then you wonder, obviously socially beneficial thoughts run rampant through people's heads, which is why we have so much Bob Geldof and Bono on tv telling us to save people and then we nod our heads in agreement and say "oh what a terrible thing, hey i have an idea!"
and then our idea gets pushed to the wayside because we're stuck at our desks where our managers dont give a fuck about anything expcet next quarters results. Now think about how many people you know how have jobs that are really pointless and arent even make work jobs, they just exist because someone is too lazy to downsize. what woudl happen if all those pointless jobs were gone and in their place were ones that people could interact with the world more and actually get things done?
i totally just lost my train of thought. frick.
anyway...the simplicity of stupidity. it makes sense if you roll it around in your head, just how dumb people are about things that have simple solutions but for some reason we have to turn them into the most convoluted fucking connundrums ever and then look to people in positions of power who have no real way of solving things than pointing fingers and making weak promises.
then you wonder how many people had ways to actually solve something but ended up stuck somewhere that they cant make anything happen.
im pretty much horrified about thinking anyone would think i want to make a career out of this current desk jockey job. it's shocking how many people just decided to get a job and give up on trying to get out. excuse me but fuck no. i cant wait fucking long enough to get back to school and be able to apply real brain power to real problems that need real solutions, not 'well, we have this much volume of work but only this many people, how do we fix this?" seriously go swallow a fucking knife.
i really hate grad speeches cause they always suck and they're always about "we CAN make the changes if WE JUST TRY!" if they didnt suck so much i think more people would listen, cause it's true.
what am i getting at. i dont know, i just kind of blurped this out.
im going home this weekend for fathers day and for a retirement/grad party for my mom and sister. start the summer off with an end to something and a beggining to something else.
plus i get to shoot things full of holes and drive the truck around.

my life as presented by the Interweb, Trademark Al Gore


i just ate five yorkshire puddings and an english muffin so i officially declare myself british until i shit it out.

on friday i am flying home for the weekend AND I GET TO SHOOT THINGS FULL OF HOLES AND I CANT FUCKING WAIT!

step up to the edge


i am sick and i came home from work because i feel like ass but i have a distinct lack of soups and sick type food so if anyone feels like bringing me some go ahead and do it i wont stop you thanks in advance for you generous offers ok go.

. ha. more like, im going to sleep now ok bye.


true story, in high school i knew this guy Brad and one day, i dont know how or why, his girlfried let it slip to someone that he had miserably failed at trying to bone her because his pecker was broken. so of course, being the concerned bunch of friends that we were, we took it upon ourselves to announce it to everyone who happened to pass us by. except we added a little pizazz to it. so we started running around the school yelling in east indian accents something along the lines of "OH MY! VAT DO YU DU VEN YOUR PENISH IS BROOOKEN! BROOOKEN LIKE BRADLEY'S PENISH IS BROOKEN!"
and of course being that we were good students as well, we felt it was our role, nay, our OBLIGATION, to inform our teachers as well. thus,
consequently, not long after, we had to once again take it upon ourselves to inform as many people as possible, though lacking any distinguishable accents this time, "WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU LIVE WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS AND YOUR GRANDMA WALKS IN WHILE YOU'RE JERKIN THE GHERKIN ONLY SHE WALKS IN RIGHT WHEN YOU BLOW YOUR WAD?"
don't you think that would be a good psychological trick for all those fundamentalists? instead of warning that you'll go blind, just make everyone picture your granny walking in and you shooting your load all over the cookies she just brought you from the oven because you're such a good boy? THEY'RE FROSTED NOW BIATCH!!!

you're just trying to get me drunk and take advantage


oh the excitement that ceases to amaze.

what do you mean this is a church choir?

i was the only graduand with the best graduand shirt EVER. also the only one wearing plaid chuck taylors. also the least dressed up of about 500 people. meh. not like it makes any diference to the piece of paper in the leather type thing.
i coudl go on a lengthy tirade about how i think most people make a super too big a deal about walkin across a stage for two seconds but I wont because i dont feel like it and i have to go to work for a bit.

i'll dress up for the next one. i swear. but im still wearing chucks.

no he has the tap on, he's not going to throw up


i got lumburg'd today. getting lumberg'd entails you figuring on having your entire weeked to just chill out and then your boss comes over and is like "So, Peter, whaaaat's happening? Yeeeah, I'm going to need you to go ahead and come in on Saaaturday."
ok well, maybe not in that exact intonation, but you know what i mean.
i think there's a bit of irony being swept under the rug here cause the HR people are like "WE WANT YOU TO HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE OF WORK BEACUSE WE CARE!"
and then im like "LUMMMMBURRRRRRRRRRG!!!"
also, just because i had cookies today...


also, im a famous author now.

his spellcheck exploded


we had a fire drill today. or at least an attempt at one. more like a 'let's casually walk around until someone checks our name of a sheet of paper that might or might not be missing'. who's missing. oh, no it's cool, they're in the bathroom in the locked up building along with the visiting business types who didnt decide to participate and stay there and eat mini sandwhiches.
where's the pizazz? last year at the county there were NEON HATS and large WAVY THINGS and REINDEER ANTLERS! and an air horn. can't ever go wrong with an airhorn.
i also managed to fix my closet without using the handyman's secret weapon; duct tape.

where the river flows


so my closet thing actually imploded in on itself at around 5am. i kind of leaned up, looked at it, shrugged and went back to bed.
currently i have gobs of super glue gluing the fucker back together. also currently i think the glue fumes are making me high so im going to do what every good person does when one gets high off superglue fumes:

make pizza.

worse...or better?


so i burned my face yesterday walking around on the beach. bad thing about burning your nose is that it always feels like you want to sneeze.
i had a smoothie from a place that made it in a Magic Bullet. i thought that was quaint.
on friday i am going to go convocate. then i will be an alumni for a few months and then i wont be no more.
i need to go to superstore.

they won't custom make my doughnut


really, there's not much to say that can cover the wonder that is chad doing his best Thriller impression. so i wont. other than a bar with every kind of scotch ever somehow equates to sandals hitting my head. but i suppose some leeway should be given seeing as how he is halfway to sixty now.

so, what kind of scotch do you have?