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sh!thawks...on parade: 04.2007

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so im starting to get more settled in. im pretty much in love with the kitchen because it has EVERYTING EVER! the mentality in this place is pretty much like living in rez so it's awesome because rez is awesome.

i still have a cough. it sucks. im going to make some food now.

everyone needs a Darth Sidious pez dispenser


first, thanks to dario for the use of te truck, and chad and danielle for helping to haul boxes and now i am all moved in and in the process of unpacking and that'll take a day or two.

second, sunshine lollipops and rainbows is a Lesley Gore song.

after i get more sleep and rest off the weekend i'll put up pictures tomorrow from this weekends public consumption of alcoholic beverages, chips and cheese as well as well documented photos once again proving that a Jew such as myself fails miserably at basketball and soccer ball.

moving isn't really a big deal anymore. which i guess is strange in it's own way. i was telling sonia last night about the very first time i moved out of home to ottawa and how fucked up it felt looking at your entire life packed up in boxes. now it's more like "who has a truck i will buy you beer." this makes the eleventh move in four and a half years. im a fucking nomad now, gimme a spear and point me at a mammoth and i'll fucking make food and a mobile home out of the fucker now.
now it's not so much moving that annoys me, it's the next four months where im pretty much stuck in the real world again away from anything academic where people tend not to take their leisurely time about things and lately ive just been like 'fuck i need a vacaaaaaaation' and then i keep reminding myself that i get one in two months and get to go have random adventures and muck about taking pictures with my might as well be twin and then i think it'll be ok cause that's the tipping point of the summer and after that it's downhill til september and back into the annals of academia shall i venture.
fireworks are sparkly and are always a good time. i like to go out beyond the white breakers.

two days sans net and i feel so out of the loop... mrah...

drive white boy!


moving day.




john baird is a fucking tool. likewise the Tories environment plan is pretty much a slap in the face the the majority of the population of this country. im pretty sure that ive been hearing all over the news how this new plan won't really affect the average canadian.
well, let's see.
how about the big ticket item first: Kyoto. it's already a well known fact that this Conservative government has abandonned all attempts at reaching the stated goals that we are a signatory to. Hi John, I remember the day that Kyoto was voted on cause i was sitting in a chair to the left of the Speaker by Mr Simard talking to him about it. You know? the vote where Canada agreed to meet international standards and in doing so be a world leader in comabting climate change? You know, the treaty that you pretty much destroyed and by doing so have put a black mark on our international reputation?

And you're little deal with lightbulbs. granted every high school student knows that incandescents are probably the most innefficient method of lighting ever but you're solution to move to compact fluorescents, while remarkably more efficient, has problems of its own. 1) cost. 2$ compared to 25 cents per bulb. 2) cost incurred by manufacturers to adapt their facilities to produce the new bulbs. 3) CFL's contain mercury. so let's more efficiently light our homes by lighting them with neuro toxins. yeah, makes total sense to me.

from here

oh i know, how bout this: Major industrial emitters will not have to start cutting their emissions until 2010. cause that's a good way to start, give them three years to fucking lobby you more and pay you to tweak your policy back to your original Clean Air Act of 2050.

Up and commers to the industrial game don't have to begin to reduce emissions for five years. yeah, talk about leading by example...

"-A promise to regulate better efficiencies in the automobile industry will kick in for model year 2011. But because the commitment hinges on the negotiation on a new North American standard, there is no guarantee any changes will actually occur" im sure trying to negotiate a north american standard with the US who still pretty much denies any human activity is causing rising temperatures will really get off to a good start.

"There are no taxes directed at Canadians to change consumption patterns" not only are there no taxes, there seems to be little actual material set forth by this government to encourage any kind of behaviour change, be it taxes or information campaigns.

the car one pisses me off. global car sales are expected to be around 60 million cars by 2009. we're dependant on a nonexistant north american standard to be put in place by 2011. how about we take some initative and work towards a global standard because im pretty sure that there's a large chunk of those 60 million cars that wont be impacted at all by any agreement made.

Johnny also believes that "the plan will cost the Canadian economy between $7 billion and $8 billion a year at most, but not many jobs will be lost." ok, but how are you going to account for 8 billion dollars of cost if you arent taxing us and arent penalizing industry? again, no motivation for behavioural changes does not equate to 8 billion in spending.

i guess that he thinks because he has a BA in PoliSci he's an environmental expert instead of someone like David Suzuki who's spent a lifetime studying the environment. maybe that's why he brushed Suzuki off today when he was onfronted by him.

or he's a tool.

im going option b.

honestly i wouldnt mind if this is the issue that brought down the Tories and sprung an election cause at least then people would be able to voice their disappoinment in this plan in an effective way. Baird says this plan is the toughest ever in Canada. mhm. why is it taking four to five years to implement then? that's not initiative, thats another four to five years to allow tinkering with the policy again to keep putting off any real action.

you want to see real initiative? make your compliance standards for industry mandatory beginning in the new year. that's tough action. you want initiative? how about providing incentives for individuals and communities who actively work and demonstrate working behavioural changes to help reduce environmental impact? how about instead of just saying "technology is the answer" you mandate or fund new technology (pssst like wind power which is clean unlike your love for nuclear which is three mile island fucknuts)

oh and on that topic, did you hear about the new solar farm in ontario? kudos for thinking in the right direction. too bad it's a californian company that owns it leaving ontario to buy back their own energy instead of using canadian made solar technology and not having to pay as much for it.


food and hockey time.

trvial pursuit cheese wedge!


i have to learn how to fill out tax forms. fuckin a. not really.

i pretty much have to stuff my clothes into something, take aapart my shlef and im good to move to the new diggs. can ya digg it?

i took some dayquil today and when it started to wear off in the afternoon i got that kind of light headed "im floating even though im walking" kind of sensation and it was like IM WALKING ON THE MOOOOOON ONLY IM NOT AT ALL!!

a few of the chinese people at work decided theyre going to teach me mandarin. i know two words now. fried rice are not them.

also i found out that theres a an insurance broker by the name of Rick James. i figure he does a really shitty Dave Chappelle impression.

also, trying to make a stir fry when you dont have a wok doesnt so much make it a stir fry as more of a kind of hope all the shit in the pan doesnt fall out while youre mixing it and hit the element and burst into flames and torch the place kind of stir fry.

i got nothin else. im gonna take down my shelf and go watch some scrubs and eat a can of brown beans cause why not, cant take the whole albertan out of me.

oh also, i totally called Luongo getting pulled last night.

cardholder copy


today i won a crucial best of three rock paper scissors game.

actually it wasn't crucial.

but i still won.

some odd flux in the world has made it so that

the slower i try to get stuff done at work

the more work i end up finishing

you might be thinking, what an odd sequence of pictures.

you may think so.

and you would probably be right.

this has no relevance.

it's just my feet.

and an overexposure because i was playing with the manual settings.

on my camera.

shithawks on parade


today my boss was all "oh promoting gambling" because they started a pool at work to guess the score. it was funny cause everyone who makes more money bet on dallas and everyone who makes the lower end of the salary bet on vancouver.
i tried really hard to zone out and take it easy today but somehow i still managed to get like one and a half times today's work done. no clue.

i cant find any files anywhere for mythbusters season five episode two which is annoying because it has the biggest ever shit gets blowed up scene in the entire series so far. so. if anyone happens to have it, you know, sharing is the polite thing to do.

i started to play around with the manual settings on my camera and i think im starting to figure out the whole f-stop vs shutter speed thing. maybe. we'll see.

danielle's the first person to have seen my new digs. she digs it. the first time i went to look at it i didnt really pay much attention to the colour of the walls. when we moved some stuff over there on saturday i looked up and suddenyl realized that im going to be living in a salmon pink room. i can deal with that though since the living room is spacious and bright and clean.

i had it on repeat because it was a nice day out. then i put on lazlo bane. but then i switched back because it fit better.

i cant hear you, theres too much screaming


actual conversation overheard on the bus yesterday between a chinese guy and a lady with an autistic boy:

Chinese Guy: *staring at the kid* what wrong wif him?

Lady: He has autism.

Chinese Guy: He is sick?

Lady: It's autism, it's a mental disability.

Chinese Guy: How come he have but parent not have?

*other passangers on bus: staring at chinese guy like wtf buddy???*

chinese Guy: it DNA wrong? his DNA is sick?

Lady: No, it's not like that, he's a good boy.

Chinese guy: You make him exercise? he exercise he get better.

Lady: No, it's not a physical disability.

Chinese Guy: You go to Value Village, yu get exercise bike, he feel better. I go to Value Village i get this *points at 40year old television set* i get for ten dowllah

Lady: No it's not physical, it's mental, but he likes to go for walks so he does exercise.

Chinese Guy: yes, that make him better.

Lady: this is our stop.

what could possibly beat this for oddities in the realm of all things odd? well i'll tell ya.

on friday on my way over to watch tv with Frank and Fritzy i get to Renfrew Skytrain and without a word of a lie i see two blind people with their sticks holding a map of vancouver out to a random guy asking them to show them if they're going in the right direction. i could not make that up. well, maybe i could, but really, seeing it first hand is way better.

curly fries and badgers

hahahah alook we went to watcht the game at the moutnain showdawe and it sUCKED cause they fucknig LSOT and then there were old diryt people singing so we sang with them adn then went tio the tShakr cluba dn drank jager bomsba and played pool a dn dtuff and my fucknig interent wasd down all fucknig goddamnf cukng day and i got home and NOW IT FUVKING WORKLS SOSO AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH i ran a tab and the bill was larrrrrrrrrrge heheheheh im moving soon oi a better palceand somehow i now have canucks hat that isnt mine, ok i will gnow and tomorrow i will remember what we did more better and we sang full house.

no its a battery2!


A Short And Sweet Version of "Stupid Shit I Hear At Work":

"what would you do if he shot you?" "probably go AAAUUUGHHH."

"i spent $100 on a ticket" "what are you stupid?" "it's first row" "oh well in that case good on ya"

"oh man look at the time" "it's 4:40." "we should light up a doobie"

"youre couch is a racist colour." "thats because it's chinese."

"Is she his brother?" "..." "i mean sister?"

"we havent had lights in our house since 1988"

"how come my shoes are making noise? everyone can hear me coming" "because you didnt buy them at a spy store"

"his ringtone is Kiss 'Chipmunks' style" "that song is by Queen"

"why are you leaving?" "i have to go to New York" "no, it's cause shes French."

"people are going think you're cutting your macaroni"

so not as good as it should be.

shoobie doobie


the good thing about people trying to show you a strange talent like trying to lick the insides of their own nostrels is that they believe it when you tell them it's taking a long time to focus to get the perfect shot.

Herewith Shall Br Known As Pat's Revieweth of the Albumeth That Shall Henceforth and Fortwither Be Named From Whence It Was Released And For All Time To Come Year Zero:

it's fucking good shit.

however i'll admit to personal bias on this considering ive had the album for two weeks cause everett gave me a link to it.
anyway, personally i think it's awesome, however since everyone is entitled to their own opinion and let's face it you dont really have to give two shits about what i think, go listen for yourself but the only i ask is that PLEASE DONT FUCKING COMPARE IT TO THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL BECAUSE THIS IS NOT THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL AND IT IS NOT MEANT TO BE THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL SO EVERYONE WHO KEEPS COMPARING IT TO THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL JUST PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP THANK YOU.


at work today:

vince: *peeks over cubicle wall and in asian accent* hey man, du yu know what tumorrow is?

me: um...friday?

vince: oh..yeah..but is it like the 19th or what?

me: no it's the twentieth.

vince: hey ya so tumorrow is *make smoking gestures* day

me: ...

vince: april twentief.

me: *....oh right...april...fourth month....four it...* oh yeah.

we also got into a little discussion about the merits of head shots in first person shooters and why in the movies it's bullshit that everyone takes a shot in the torso and automatically dies. i said that headshots are key because then youre shot in the head and vince just about fell over laughing. seriously, maybe it's just where i work, but chinese senses of humour are fucked up. he busts a gut at headshots but at lunch i crack one about an all too obvious innuendo that gets people at other tables smiling and the people at my table just start talking about how we're on a fault line and why buildings in taiwan are tall but empty.

fuck seriously, we started talking about earthquakes and i kept looking out the window and glaring at the ground and willing it to stay the fuck still. so pretty much by the end of lunch i decided that im going to go live somewhere where there's solid bedrock under me that will only move because of continental drift and no fault lines.

how come they turned red?


so all day i had the phrase "white meat...dark meat..." stuck in my head in the voice from Grindhouse.
now ive got "linglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglinglingBERRY!!!" stuck in my head.
we got cupcakes at work today and people went fucking crazy thus again providing what i feel is evidence to the theory that in an office environ, cupcakes are all sorts of exotic.
i also learned today, by overhearing my boss, agaaaain, that "if they can hear you smile over the phone it stops the irritated bandwagon."
i know.
it's like...not really the most amazing thing i've ever heard at all. in fact i sat there for a second letting it twirl around in my head and then decided that it couldnt possibly sound any less whatever than it already did so i of course wrote it down.

oh, and ive decided to keep an ongoing record at work of random thoughts slash observations as well as a seperate record of all but the strangest and most amusing names.
an example: Darnell Gooch. Dr. Dorcus Butt. (no really, why would i joke about that one?) Egbert Plug.

ive realized that a large downside to an office job versus had i gone home to work at the county again is that here you have to cling to the dumbest little shred of amusement all day whereas there you could go the whole day laughing your ass off with other people for hours and never be talking about the same thing. therefore. OFFICE HIJINKS. hah. still not the same.

i got up this morning like "hey innards, why so fussy?"

innards: "cause you fucktard, you put too much chilli sauce in your dinner."

me: "but innards, i countered that with coconut milk and shaved chocolate."

innards: "ok first, no. second. no. and just for that. TAKE THIS AND FEEL LIKE UNGH YOUR INSIDES HATE YOU BECAUSE I DO YOU SHMUCK!!!"

me: "unnnnnngh my innards hate me!"

innards: "now where's my bagel bitch?"

souless retail sex


crystadactyl says:
whos your favourite boy band?
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
that really shouldnt be as hard as it sounds....
crystadactyl says:
anyone, anyone at all.
its for science
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
new kids
crystadactyl says:
haha yes!
you're a hero
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
do i get a cape?
crystadactyl says:
yes. its in the mail.
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
i shall call it Clayton and together WE WILL RULE THE WORLD
crystadactyl says:
wow. clayton is a pretty lame name for a cape.
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
how do you figure
crystadactyl says:
it should be a strong name like julius or seymour
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
seymour isnt a cape name
seymour is a cat name
crystadactyl says:
alright, like martin or cecil
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
crystadactyl says:
name your cape cecil
and you two will rule the world together
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
nah cause cecil is the name for the superhero tights
crystadactyl says:
ooo cause there is nothing better than cecil near your penis
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
damn skippy
crystadactyl says:
alright name your cape....
CRYSTAL after me
cause I am a super hero
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
i cant wear you as a cape
crystadactyl says:
pfft doug
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
crystadactyl says:
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
a cape like beef
it appeals to my inner Albertan
crystadactyl says:
oh yeah! you are from...............MY TOWN
except now you have a super hero cape
well you will....when it arrives
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
Come Cecil! we must prepare!
crystadactyl says:
so what are you and the boys going to save first?
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
hmm....hadnt thought that far...
crystadactyl says:
maybe you should watch Mario for Sadomasochists
•Þa±z• - waiting for your fatass dirty dollar says:
or Luigi for German Fetishists

tell him to go to Boyd's and eat shrimp for breakfast instead

i faced two options of which direction to go after work today.

to the LEFT... or the RIGHT

well actually there wasnt really any choice but to go left because left meant getting to Brentwood faster which meant of course that i would have in my hands year zero that much faster.
everyone else fucked off to go home and watch the canucks game....which i see is still scoreless after two. i feel i made the wiser choice.
chalk up another point for "Why I Can Never Become a Tried and True Diehard Canucks Fan Forever". if it was the Oilers i would have at least waited until between periods, ran like fuck, bought it and made it back in time to catch the next period. or til the game was over. probly that.
i have a plan. not to take over the world. yet. bt i have a plan for something that i am planning and i will see how it goes and if it goes well you may hear about it. if not, HEY LOOK OVER THERE A DISTRACTION!!!

even better with parachutes


i got offered a permanent staff spot today. sweet a REAL SALARY!
im pondering what im pondering and it's good pondering and i ponder good about pondering.
this has to be in the top three cartoons EVER. yeah thats right. EVER. i'll even go so far as to say it might even be better than Teddy Ruxpin.
yeah i said it.

oh you know, a big red squishy ball with buttons on it!


so i had to make sure my picking hand was ok after the bowling balls decided to fuck it up last night. seems ok.
i went to see grindhouse again because why not.
i found the greatest dvd set discovery of the day. i bought one.
i bought "Lamb: A Novel. The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal" by Christopher Moore of the "A Dirty Job" fame.
i bought an empty note book with a chicken that comes from an egg and ends up as a roast on the cover to write in.
now im going to make food, watch trailer park boys and read about Biff.
and by read about biff i of course mean watch pinky and the brain.

well i guess it IS four hours long

dear bowling ball,
please remind next time that you have a tendency to hurt my wrist so it makes it difficult to easily fret cool songs the next day.

apparently we found the Dark Matter bowling ball because the fucking thing was all black and weighed about as much as you'd think a bowling ball made of dark matter is and since if i remember correctly from my rampant geekness that dark matter is indeed more dense than light matter it does indeed weigh like you'd expect if it were indeed made out of a lump of dark matter the size of a bowling ball made out of dark matter.

also, i think it should be a law that before you go bowling you must watch the entirety of Big Lebowski. i was so hurtin to lay down some key phrases but alas they would have been met with "um we havent seen that" stares.

and then apparently the foggy dew has decided that it's now the most high class establishment in all of burnaby what with it's metal detector bearing bouncers and cameras and photo id things when really it's pretty much a place where you can go to watch two very sweaty people pretty much fuck on the dance floor.


you said that with CONVICTION