and when you get there

looks like im not going crazy just quite yet.

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1:49 in the AM and ive finished reading Bloodletting & Miraculous Cures. if youre the kind of person who likes a book to have a nice concrete ending, stay away from this one. however, if you're the kind of person who can appreciate an ending that only really serves as a reminder that as the day comes to a close there's still another one just around the corner, then forge on.
my parents always tell me i should write a book. i've stopped and started a few times. always hanging on words, never quite sure where to go. some things won't ever have a real ending, or really be finished. i think i could. i think my biggest hang up about writing a book is that i wont ever think it's good enough. i could do it. i should do it at some point.
when i read a book and really get in to it, it flows on its own. there's not really any sense of time passing on the outside, it's all about what happens page to page. if i'm reading and something interrupts it's almost like i get physically distressed because ive broken out of the grasp of the words im reading. words flow. words twist and turn, quietly lapping at the rocky shores of some forgotten creek in the ravine you've always wanted to explore but always found an excuse not to. when i read something i like it to flow. when i sit down to write something the creek suddenly turns into some flooded monstrosity that threatens to hold me under in some violent rip current as i struggle to realize exactly how hard it is to find the sweet spot that will let you trapsy effortlessly over the torrents of frothy water.
look im being creative.
i could see myself at some point being the weird eccentric shut in who almost never leaves the house for weeks on end with papers tossed around at random inside and the tangy smell of freshly printed ink hovering all around. and after weeks of being shut in... enter stage right holding large manuscript... pauses to contemplate the world outside... looks at manuscript... looks at garbage can... sets manuscript on table... exit stage left leaving manscript sitting on table... lights fade.

and when you get there