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sh!thawks...on parade: their unsuspecting little eyes

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today is a big day in GodSquad land. Dear Santa, for Easter this year, I want someone somewhere to do a sermon that goes something like this:

"Now children, today is the day where we all exercise our obsession with murder, death, and zombies by sending your parents to buy you candy that will slowly rot your insides and force them to hide little plastic eggs all over the house made with lead paint from china for you to find when you wake up in the morning.

Today is the day where all the Old People tell you that today is important because a long time ago an Arab man that we tell you is a White Man came back from the dead after being hung up on a big piece of wood for days and days with rusty nails. But don't worry, they didn't know about tetanus back then, so he couldn't possibly have had gotten that what with those iron spikes driven through him.

Today is the day when the Old People make you put on Sunday School plays about how the Zombie Man needed to rise from the dead while trapped in a cave by a multi tonne boulder, body wracked by starvation, rot and wrapped in mouldy rags to come back and tell his friends that he'd done it for the good of all Men.

You see kids, back then, no one did things for the good of Men and Women.

See kids, it's important to realize that the Zombie Man came back like a bad character from a George Romero movie because it let's us tell you now in the present that it's ok to only really act on what he told everyone in the Way Back Time on one weekend a year. Today we make you reassert your values in the Hope for All Mankind (and what are we missing there?). When today is over, and Tomorrow is over, and there won't be any more Easter days for a whole year, you will go back to living your lives not living up to the Zombie Man's expectations. You will go back to wanting your toys and candy and movies and when you hear your parents go 'Tsk Tsk' while they watch the news, they'll tell you it's nothing you need to worry about, just less civilized folk who don't appreciate Freedom and then ask you you if you want some peach cobbler.

Now kids, I know this next part might be hard to believe, but did you know that not everyone thinks Easter is about the Zombie Man? For a long time, even Way Back before the Zombie Man lived, they didn't know about it! All over the world were People who didn't believe in the Zombie Man and his Friend in the Sky. Then through a series of fear driven assaults, we killed all of those people who didn't want to believe in the Zombie Man, or we spread diseases that killed them because our Missionaries we sent alllllll over the world to tell people they were uncivilized and heathens, and could never share in our obsession about death if they didn't join us. Did you know that some of these People didn't even think the world was made by the Sky Friend just 6000 years ago because they'd been around far longer than that!

Now kids, I know your parents tell you that it's important to help your fellow human beings, and that being humble is important and that giving to the poor is important. But don't worry, they won't really give away your toys that you don't really play with anymore to a charity that will take them to kids in far off countries who haven't had a proper meal for days. After all, how are you supposed to play with your New Easter toys with as much smugness if you can't look at your whole collection and think about how much stuff you have and you're better than other kids because you have so much.

And that's why this weekend, every year, we remind you that you should be penitent for just a day or two so you don't have to feel guilty.

Now we get to watch a movie! And remember, Jesus died so people could make this for you!

How'd you kids like that? Now, if you really want a good example of someone who will uproot themselves from their lives with tv's and dvd's and ipods and takeout every night, then you should follow in the footsteps of Marnie the Nurse because she actually does what most of your parents and most likely you, will never do."

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to chow down on a chocolate bunny, and work out more of the project I'll be working on in Dhaka to help directly improve access and efficiency of nursing services in the country. What are you doing today?

their unsuspecting little eyes


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