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sh!thawks...on parade: look at them walk

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ok, so, the family has careened into nap mode so i have some down time. sitll no pics yet tho cause im not uploading them on this computer. however i can provide some entertainment in the form of very much overgeneralized observations:


1. Mexicans own every stripper in the city.
2. Only African americans use bluetooth earpieces.
3. Texans have a waist that is at least a foot higher than everyone else.
4. the majority of people in Vegas, regardless of amount of wealth, think far too highly of themselves.
5. Trying to find an internet café in Vegas is impossible.
6. Bartenders think the Pittsburg Penguins are a baseball team.
7. No one knows what hockey is.
8. People would rather watch football than Saddam Hussein's execution.
9. you can get these Player's Club cards for the casinos that track how much you play on slots and all the old old people have them and they're all attached by a stretchy plastic cord to their jackets to the machine so they dont forget them and they look like they're plugged in to the slot machine cause they're old and need to be recharged on spinning reels.
10. No, i did not see Matt good anywhere as much as people texted me wanting to know.
11. people in vegas do not know how to drive.
12. cabbies are cool.
13. if you take public transit in vegas, do not take public transit in vegas.
14. canadians acknowledge other canadians like we have some big secret club.
15. on the strip at night the Mexicans who own all the strippers stand there trying to hand out little cards advertising their stripper army, and if you jokingly ask them for their shirt that advertises it also, the dude will follow you four hotels down trying to get you to pay him for it.
16. gravity in las vegas differs from the rest of the world, but seemingly only affects members of the female gender so as to prevent them from falling over forwards due to added chest bulk.
17. large black women arent fat, they just have more soul.
18. you can go shopping on christmas day and save a shitload of money.
19. you can stand outside and chug a 40 of jack and no one cares.
20. hicks stay in their RVs at circus Circus.
21. if you wear a backpack, people think you're going to steal everything they own.
22. converse factory outlet stores are the grestest thing ever.
23. flight times to vegas are shitty beyond shitty.
24. trying a new game that youve never played before results in winning 135$ on one hand.
25. yes, children do derss in cammo and they still have mullets.
26. 14 above is parka weather.
27. pretending to be from quebec to confuse people is tres fun.
28. regardless of you entering a casino at all, somehow you will end up smelling like smoke by the end of the day.
29. Penn and Teller play up the "Im a proud patriot" for the rednecks.
30. if you stand out front of Harrah's long enough, someone will eventually ask you if you want to buy a wife.

so, we get there on the 24th, apparently you cant check in at a hotel there til like 4pm which sucked cause my dad and i were tired as hell cause we had to be at the airport in edmonton at 4am and i had three hours of sleep so we sat in the keno lounge in the flamingo where we stayed for a while and then figured fuck this lets go get something to eat so we went to Casino Royale and they had bottles of Michelob for a 1$ so we had one, which is where the bartender thought the Penguins were a baseball team and that the NHL didnt extend past vancouver. and then we found out that even though it was christmas nothin was going on for it at all on the strip. so our christmas eve dinner was food from a burger place in New York New York. and our christmas breakfast was from the Paris. see that? less than 24 hours and ive already had global food.
and then we went shopping on christmas day. weird as hell. i picked up some shirts from FCUK.
i also never ever figured on have boxing day (which doesnt actually exist in the US) breakfast at the Bellagio.
so i played slots and they're fun up to a point cause all you do is sit there and stare.
and my dad and i went to shoot machine guns and i shot Osama full of 9mm holes from an MP-5 and my dad shot off the SAW to much "ooohs" and "aaaahs" from other people in the range. and i picked up two of the cartirdges from the mp5 to take home. but. we'll get to that.
i did not go to the Star Trek experience.
we went to see Penn & Teller and it was all good except for the "we're doing a trick with the american flag in the most respectful way" blah blah blah and all the americans hooorahed and i sat there thinking i didnt come to see Penn & Teller do that. but then they put a rabbit in a wood chipper and cotton came out and it was funny. and then i was like, i want a rabbit now.
and we saw the Cirque de Soleil. it was the Beatles Love one. and i shit you not i cant even begin to think of how to describe it it was that good. you just sit there and youre in your seat and youre fucknig blown away utterly and i thought fuck good thing im not baked or id be tripping out soooooooooooooooooooooooo bad.
and i went to the dead bodies exhibit with my sister like the one thats in Vancouver and it was neat but kind of creepy cause i was walking around looking at all teh body parts and getting very much more aware of like, can i feel my's my gallbladder doing down there? you ok pal?
and so my dad and i went and took a shuttle to Silverton cause theres a big fucking Bass Pro Shop there and we wanted to go look around cause its a huuuuuuuuuge outdoor sporting store thats at this lodge with a casino so we got htere and we wanted to eat first so we asked a dealer lady where the cafe was but she couldnt turn around so she pointed and we were like why cant you turn around and she cant cause she has to be able to see the chips. and then she said we should play. and we're like play what. paigow. and we're like, maybe after breakfast. so we went and ate and when we got back she was gone but there was an older dude dealer and he started to show us and then he left and a chinese lady dealer came and we bought in for 20$ each and i think i caught on pretty fast as opposed to my dad cause i pulled off 135$ on one hand and then i was like can i have a 100$ chip and got a guy to take a picture and then the pit boss told us no more pictures and i went and cashed my money and we went to the bass pro shop and i used most of that money to take my sister and my mom out for dinner and lunch respectively.
and the whole time i was like, i want to make an american friend but i didnt and i was a little dissappointed til the flight back last night cause i was in the aisle and this funky chick with like fire red hair and a Freak Like Me book had the window and a lady from kelowna was in the middle and the flight left at 12:30 and got to edmonton at 4:10am local and the three of use chatted the whole flight and so this girl is a sideshow performer and she breathes fire and swaloows swords and is learning to be in the motorcycle ball of doom and she was asking us all these thigns about canada cause shed never been here before so we swapped email and now i have an american friend who breathes fire and swallows swords and likes hockey more than football.
and tomorrow i fly back to vancouver for new years and it will rock out like socks out.
and i think i will drink some red bull.
and i will put up pictures later cause i have lots and you will like them.

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look at them walk


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