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sh!thawks...on parade: the shelf in the room

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im gonna be perfectly honest and say that the prospect of finishing this degree and this thesis scares the shit right out of me. half the people in my program are already thinking CAREER MUST FIND CAREER! meanwhile i look up out of my daze of essays and research most of the time and think WHY IS IT ENDING SO FAST?
almost every day for the last two months, one of the first things that's gone through my head when i wake up is 'you can always walk away from it'. truly. this sentence goes through my head at least once every other day. i think the part about it that makes me worry is that sometimes i stop to listen to it for a few seconds.
and then i go about my business of heading downtown for class, or to sit in my corner that i hope no one else sits in to work on stuff. and i stare at a screen and articles and word documents for hours and leave to go home satisfied most of the time, knowing that i've taken a chunk out of something i've set before me.
and then i wake up the next morning and think, you can always walk away.
but i won't. and not because it would disappoint my family or my friends or my profs, but because i know if i did i'd disappoint myself the most.
do i have issues with self-confidence? hell yeah i do sometimes, so does everyone. sometimes i wonder if i'll make it through this degree with my friendships and my sanity intact. and every day i get up, and i get right back at it because it's there for me to do.
in a year and a half, this program has seen me get depressed, have panic attacks, have two month long bouts of insomnia, get sick from stress, put strain on relationships, pissed me off, put me $30 grand in the hole, confuse me, and generally beat the crap out of my mental capacity.
does this merit bitching about it? sure it does.
but for all the bullshit i've put up with, and all of it that's left to go through in the next five months, i would do it all over again.
because i think at some point you come to a realization that if you can recognize what you have to go through and still have a good time, then you know that you'll be alright. yeah, you might doubt yourself, but back in the depths of your mind, you know that if you take what's coming at you, hit it back as hard as you can and look up and say 'What's next?'
everyone's going to have those instances where it seems like the whole fucking world is crashing down around you, and at that point it's good to have people around to help you back to your feet. but at the core, there's the reality that you need to be able to be strong enough to get back on your own two feet on your own.
some people believe that some higher power will help them through tough spots and keep them going through life. you know what? hats off to them, they think they have something to lean on. i can respect that. but personally, i think that the biggest pillar of support should be yourself. if you can't put more faith in yourself than anything else, you're never really standing on your own.
i fully expect to be driven near crazy getting this thesis done, but i know that at some point in april, i'll walk out of a room having just been evaluated by peers and profs, and be able to sit back, smile, and know that i'm still standing.
and then i'll probably blow $50 at the Cambie to drink the adrenaline away.

the shelf in the room


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