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sh!thawks...on parade: can he string form a web...wait...

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ok, spiders don't bug me. spiders bug my dad a lot, spiders don't bug me. i can crouch down and stare at one for a while, even name them.
however, this is not to say that they can't annoy me.
case in point, i throw on a hat this morning, i head down to HC to do some prep work for a presentation next week, and while i sitting here there's a little itch on my neck. so i scratch kind of absent mindedly. but it's still there. so i continue to scratch sort of absent mindedly until it becomes one of those little itches that you kind of get annoyed at for making you actually pay attention to it and you kind of do that little swat at your skin to make it stop.
and then i look down and there's a baby spider sitting on the edge of the table where it has now landed, wiggling it's lil legs around all "Hey essé! Whuatcho think you are dooeeng?"

yes. spiders are mexican in my head.

so I says, I says, 'lil spider, I'm gonna flick your ass off the tablw in that direction cause you fucking annoyed my with your crawling on me. You don't scare me, but crawling on me without permission DENIED."

so i flick him away.

then I thinks to myself, I thinks, "hey self, you know where that hat was hanging, you know that shelf, you've seen some of his buddies hanging around there looking for the spider Chicas."

so I says, I says, "you know what self, you're totally right! we should take off the hat and make sure he didn't leave no Essé in there!"

so off comes the hat, and i flip it over and what do I see?

"Hey fucker! I already flicked your Essé right the fuck out of here! so get out of there!"

of course knowing he's in deep shit now, this second lil spider is all "Hey mang! No way mang! I wasn't dooeeng nothing mang! I was just crawling around minding my own business! I ain't done no crawling on you!"

so I says, i says, "i don't give a fuck. you're not allowed in my hat you little shit."

so he cuts and runs and trie to hide in the fabric but i fold that fabric down so he can't get away and he's all "nooooo mang! noooooo! my Chicas!" and im all "AHAHAHAHAHA EVIL LAUGH!" and then I blow his lil spider ass somewhere that isn't inside my hat.

so that is the story of how I turned spiders into Mexicans.

*Disclaimer: this in no way assumes that Mexicans are as annoying as spiders. In fact, Mexicans provide us tacos and burritos and should be applauded for their hot sauces.

can he string form a web...wait...


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