am i having fun anymore? not really. im less than two months away from completing my undergrad. i should be happy about that, i am. i have a very pervasive headache today. im almost done this degree but thats not really making anything any easier. i also have those less than two months to find a job and a place to live or else i get to pack up and move home again which i dont want and in my mind view as a personal failure. ive said that to myself for the last four years and the only time i managed to make it happen it ended in a horrible fucking way. im not even sure i could sleep this off right now, i dont feel like sleeping at all. i feel like sitting in the corner and staring at nothing and hoping the world goes away or decides to slow way the fuck down so i ca get my bearings again. ive been hanging on by a few fingers lately. i can feel all those little cracks feeling the strain again. i managed to keep them all in check last year. in two months from now can i say the same thing? im not really sure. my mom tells me im not good at dealing with change. maybe to an extent. my life has been lived in bubbles for the last five years. im home im away im home im away im home im away. im getting sick of it. my room is a disaster. i could clean it but i pretty much lack any shred of motivation today. people keep asking me if im going to dress up or do anything for halloween and i say no i dont really feel like it. i dont feel like it cause whats the point? i dont really remember a halloween in the last few years where ive actually done anything worthwhile anyway. the first one i spent away from home i sat in my cramped fucking dorm room in ottawa in a bad mood writing an english paper because out of the 20 or so people on my floor i was the only one who wasnt old enough to go out with them. fuck you ontario and your 19 age limit. i dont even remember what i did last year. i remember two years ago what happened and that wasnt a good ending. fuck. i wanted to get five more pages of my big essay done this weekend but only managed three. i told my uncle that and he seemed surprised but i told him id hit that wall and he said yeah the only thing you can do then is go for a walk and have a beer cause you wont get anywhere if you try. i tried to tell myself to work on it more today. nope. i did some sociology work because i have to start taking field notes and surprise surprise my project is on bloggers so i can actually sit here in abject misery reading blogs and actually be doing school work. bonus. an hour a day for two weeks i can take notes and then write up a short summary and theres another A assignment because my prof likes what im doing but im starting to wonder how much time this willa actually take up because i havent even begun to really dig in to any project yet and i have to get a job too. i used to write a lot. and not like blog writing. i mean real writing. i wrote lots of lyrics and stuff. now when i try to sit down and think of them i come up blank and it worries me. i think i should take some advil or something. im not really a big pill person. last summer i talked with my mom about going to talk to a shrink and then i said no because all they'll do is say take these pills that will kill any sort of original idea you might ever have. plus i have this really big fear of becoming addicted to any pill that isnt a gravol or an advil. in class the other day we were paired up to talk about our projects and when i told my paired up partner about blogs and how everything you write is open to the public she gasped and wondered why people would do that. i know im writing this for me cause i need to get this out but i know that people will read it and really i dont give a fuck because you can either read it and shrug or say something and all i have to do is fucking ignore it if i dont like it. fuck i dont know. this is going to be a long fucking week. theres this little voice in the back of my head that keeps asking me what i'll do if i dont get into grad school and i just keep telling it to shut the fuck up la la la la la because if i pay attention to it then i have to deal with it and i dont really want to do that because that would really fucking suck. i know thats something that i need to consider but i dont want to because i dont know what i would do then. ive put a lot of time and effort into considering what i want to do in grad school and if i dont get in its like hey the rug just got pulled out from uner you and now theres the ground rushing up at your face and oh shit this is gonna hurt what the fuck should i do. both feet firmly on the ground doesnt exactly work out if theres no ground under them to stand on. i feel better writing this but its not going to solve anything. the next four weeks are going to consist of oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck i need to get this done done done fuck fuck fuck. gah. i havent found a penny for a while. maybe thats why. i have lots of pennies but i havent found one for a while so i cant say find a penny pick it up and all the day youll have good luck. i need to find a penny and then everything will be ok. fuck you i can have my own totems. now go and do something and if you say 'youre being emo fucktard' then i dont give a fuck im allowed an emo outburst every once and a while so eat it. i read my horoscope and i just cant pull it off alone.