we reach the end at the beginning

so my friend julia is moving away next week and she had a going away slash birthday party tonight.
we've been friends since kindergarten.
i'm not sure if this is like a widespread phenomenon, but you know how you grow up somewhere and you have that core group of people you know all your life and then one day one person goes away and nothing is ever the same?
it's weird but in most circles of friends ive had i seem to take the position of the going away-er. i go away and when i come back for a bit everything is fucking different and most people arent the same and the ones that are you start to realize how much you appreciate the fact that they're your friends but then you go away again.
and then one day i get home and find out that she got a job six hours north of here. and i dont know why, but it felt weird. it's ironic that i say this because ive been the one for the last four years to move back and forth across the country. and now she's moving away and it's like...i dunno..it sucks. i dont get to hang out enough with her as it is and now im not even sure when the next time i get to see her will be.
it's fucked up. our families grew up together at school. ive known her longer than anyone else pretty much and now there's no sort of sense of security knowing that she'll be here at home to talk to when i come back to visit.
but again, there's the fact that ive been pretty much gone from here for the last four years. fuck i dont know. does that make a difference? i pretty much have an open door policy with every friend of mine. not everyone uses it but whatever. she did. i like the fact that she feels she can call me long distance to help her sort stuff out.
ive got this sort of dreadish feeling that maybe that wont happen now. i know we're always going to be friends, but this might be that point where the whole thing shifts subtely.
i dont like it.
it sucks. im totally psyched for her about her job and getting out of her house but still. not being able to cope well with something like this is not something id easily admit to. but here i am admitting that even though im going back to vancouver and probly staying there that it'pretty much feels that someone is strangling my brain because of it.
she lives out in the boonies. for you city folk that dont know what real boonies are, that means out in the bush. there was about six of us sitting around the firepit. end of an era. take another piece out of the puzzle. now it's one less part complete and all the other pieces arent going to hold together the same anymore.
you know what, maybe it's just easuer to stay away once you move cause then you dont have to think this stuff. but then you miss out on the last time's for firepits and bbqs and remembering camping trips.
i was driving back from her place and it was pitch black out. i had on my brights and the trees all looked like skeleton trees.
so, sorry for you fans of little asian girl themed colours, but right now im in a black and white stand outside alone on the balcony mood.
i stopped my truck in the middle of the road. its 2am in the country theres no other cars and no lights. i had never really seen the milky way before tonight. you can see it. its like a band of stars that goes across the sky. it makes you feel very small. you want to know how infinitely small we really are? just look up there. it helps when you're on a dark road in the country with no city lights around. we're so tiny but every little thing in life makes us think the biggest things.

mellow.

now watch this to reamuse yourself.

we reach the end at the beginning