i cant escape this town

the inside of my head sounds like kevin smith, alana talking to my parents, myself telling myself to bang my head on something, the knights of Ni, and Go Shorty its your birthday.
thus, a jumble.
thus, while i am fatigued, im not entirely sure i can sleep yet.
people are good at things and not so good at other things.
im a part of people so i naturally have these traits as well.
people also like to tell themselves theyre good at things they really arent.
again, i am of the people part.
thomas the train engine was full of shit you know. all that crap about "i think i can i think i can"...fuck that. in the real world that mostly sets you up for disaster.
unless you know you can, dont tell yourself otherwise.
ok self:
dont tell myself otherwise cause all you end up doing is hitting a big wall and no one likes that.
my second year in ottawa was probably the worst year in my entire life. having to leave made it worse. having to tell myself i could easily deal with it...harder still.
everyone always talks about how after high school everything changes. well yeah, but then again, not everyone moves across the country, likes it, things get fucked, things fall apart, things are moved to the otherside of the country and here it goes again the wheels are turning turning turning and they never quite stop.
this year was really weird. major panic attack about grad school. living in rez still. stiiiiiiiill. im done my undergrad in one semester and most of my friends at sfu arent even in 3rd year yet.
ist fucked up thinking that i could end up TAing one of their classes...
its also hard realizing that the party is coming to an abrupt end. its like the end of high school all over again. but not. two years of time at sfu, and then where? vancouver? toronto? montreal?
it's like every time i go somewhere, just when i finally start to get settled, life decides "hey, he's having a bit too much fun there, better do something about it."
i think i talk to like three people from high school. mostly because it's easier to deal with friends at work who dont want to know where so and so is.
like, a lot of this makes me think of corey's birthday when everyone was down in our living room and i got all moody and went up and stood on my balcony and after a while mike and everett came up and the three of us were standing there and mike was like "dude, the next three years are going to be awesome."
and im like, shit where do i fit in there?
i make all these attachments and they inevitably fall apart.
alana and emily are in town, and they tell me how everyone's like "if pat were here itd be way cooler."
im glad theres that sentiment, but holy fuck, way to stick the knives back in the holes that i thought id patched up. my ottawa people were my first after high school friends. my ottawa people are incredible. so are my vancouver people. but i havent managed to connect in the same way to most peopl in vancouver as i did with the pages. not to say that i didnt, but just not as many.
alana's taking over a sublet at simon's place, and i can think is, i liked walking around in the glebe when i went to visit, why the fuck arent i in the glebe right now?
but then if i was i know id be thinking, i like the mountains why the fuck arent i in vancouver right now?
why is it that i can excell academically and have loads of friends but as soon as i get into a relationship it goes nowhere? alana says im too much of the friend type and need to do something about that. its like i collect people.
if i could, id just leave and go live up in a shack in the mountains or something. or somewhere where there werent a lot of people and i could just be on my own.
it's achem's razor. simplest answer is usually the best.
too many people, more headspins. fewer people, less headspins.
but it doesnt work that way.
i have one semester left. it's making my whole life feel like im running towards something that i cant see but need to get to and it scares the shit out of me and along the way it takes down whatever it needs to and thats not always a good thing.
this isnt my room anymore,
my room had pictures and posters and flags.
this room has off fucking pink paint and no posters or pictures or flags.
this room is full of shit my sister stores in here, and shit my mom puts in here.
its like a goddamn four month hotel room.
i get up and i and fucking cut grass.
a lot of my friends get up and go work for a minister or policy research council or government bodies.
a lot of my friends are done school and happy about it.
im throwing myself at more.
a lot of my friends are way more fucking sucessful now than i'll probly ever be.
and in more than jobs.
i dont even know what this is anymore. like a lament or frustration or venting or just writing this or what.
fine read it, its on fucking public display.
im sick of something and i cant even figure out what im sick of.
fuck this. everyone makes good and bad decisions. ive made my fair share of both.
tell yourself the same thing. because you know that its fucking true.
not all of our decisions makes everyone happy, thats not possible.
and dealing with the consequences fucking sucks, but whatever, its part of life and life aint fair and then you die. so you know what?
i tell myself just to deal with it.
things will go to shit and things will not go to shit.
itd be better if things didnt go to shit, but that wont ever happen so best to take it in stride and not dwell on things too long.
in three months, whatever i do this summer is going to be ripples in the pond. whatever i do in the fall will be ripples in the pond. whatever happens after christmas...is the pond.
hello me, this is me talking to you. i think me can relatively say that people can generally relate to this in some way.
ive been through it for long enough and enough times to know that.
it'll suck today.
it'll still suck tomorrow.
and it'll suck on monday.
but tomorrow there's game 5 to look forward to.
next week there's a long weekend to look forward to.
going camping this summer is something to look forward to.
so what's worth more time thinking about?
the shat of life, or the not shat that can always get your feet back on the ground?
fucking rant...i think i just wanted to see the words on the screen. because then they're in front of me and not some corporeal thought in my head.
this is my brain.
this is my brain on shrugs.

i cant escape this town